I am usually brave – independent and free – loving the idea of no one controlling me.
I used to see the world as black and white – with no hopes of salvation and light. I was certain to not be scared of death or the like since I never truly knew the meaning of living or ‘life’. I was just aware that I was breathing – walking and roaming around the earth with a dead but beating heart.
Suddenly you came into view and everything became a blur – like the lens of a camera when it focuses on its subject, like when our pupils dilate when we see something or someone we love.
And like how you use a camera, I clicked it – and all I could see was you – your smile and the glimmer of light in your eyes.
I got scared.
I used to believe that I would die lonely – I wouldn’t want anyone to feel burdened by the idea of losing me. I used to imagine my passing like a still Sunday morning, with the birds singing a love song I haven’t heard before – I wanted it to be serene – a girl dying young in a satin dress and red lips; stabbed with the knife of short life.
And I got even more scared –
but now, with death;
because finally, I have a reason for actually living.
I’m scared of death because I wanted to have enough time to know you and long enough to love you.
I’m scared because having something to look forward to, is one of the most agonizing self-inflicted pains someone can perpetrate to his self – like making someone your world, your all, without knowing if the other person feels the same way as you do.
I let you be you, I let myself love you.
The idea of existing finally has a meaning – now, I need to keep on breathing.
My soul is done with hating; now I just need to keep on loving.
Even if this will cause me pain in the end, love will always keep on prevailing.
And even if you don’t love me in the end, I will still be grateful – for the hope and courage, I felt when you came into view and gave my world a different kind of hue.