According to every single dating manual and mother ever, you’ll never meet a nice girl at a club. Unless you’re really rich, when you start to lose your looks/hair/six pack, you’ll need to start looking around for a potential wife, before the narrow window of opportunity closes and you’re left to die alone. Of course, you want to find yourself a nice girl. The kind of girl you can take home to your parents, who can be your plus one at dinner parties, and be trusted to behave herself in social situations. And nice girls don’t hang around in clubs. That’s where you find the nice girl’s nemesis — the bad girl.
You can’t take the bad girl home to meet your parents in case you go to make coffee and walk in on her making out with your dad. She’ll never be your plus one because you really don’t want to be reminded every day in the office about the girl you brought to the Christmas party who drank a bottle of vodka straight then passed out in a plant pot. And God forbid you even think of marrying the bad girl.
A good girl has a strict skincare routine and gets her hair cut every six weeks. She probably has a fringe. Fringes show that you’re responsible and can take care of shit. Fringes mean commitment. Her tights never ladder, and just in case they do, she probably has a spare pair in her reasonably sized and priced handbag. She has life plans, and a career mapped out and has already decided what she’ll call her two adorable children. She’ll marry her first proper boyfriend, and will only give head on birthdays and Christmas. The good girl goes to the gym three times a week, watches what she eats and only has a couple of glasses of wine on special occasions and then complains about the hangover she’ll get in the morning. She never stays out past 2 AM apart from that one time, which she always brings up to show she used to be wild. She cries at sad parts in movies, and she’s seen every Jennifer Aniston picture. She’s seen Dirty Dancing 16 times.
Bad girls don’t buy groceries more than a day in advance because they never know what they’ll want for dinner. They’ve never lasted for longer than six months in a job, and they’ve been fired from most of them for being drunk during work hours. The bad girl will never say no to anything in fear of missing out. She’s hungry for everything and she’s not too picky about what everything is. She wants to go to every party, smoke every cigarette, cuss every swear word and kiss every boy. She don’t sleep properly, and rarely in her own bed. She forgets to take her make-up off most nights and she still gets spots past her teenage years. She knows she doesn’t have to settle down with every boy she sleeps with, and has no shame about not being in a relationship when doing so. Her clothes are inappropriately tight, but she’ll still yell at you for staring at her arse. Bad girls have no idea who they are, or what they’re doing, or where they’re going, and they don’t care.
Examples of good girls include Anne Hathaway, Jennifer Aniston and Keira Knightley. They appear on the front of Marie Claire and talk about yoga and friendship.
Examples of bad girls include Winona Ryder, Paz de la Huerta and Queen of the bad girls Lindsay Lohan. They appear on the front on TMZ and scream obscenities while resisting arrest for their third DUI.
They say that you can’t tame a wild thing, but that’s not true. Bad girls will put down their whiskey bottle once they find someone worth putting that whiskey bottle down for. Or someone to share the whiskey bottle with. Bad girls are only bad until they find whatever it is they don’t know they’ve been looking for. To quote This Side of Paradise, “The girl really worth having won’t wait for anybody.” Do you really want a girl who has sat at home night after night perfecting her lasagna recipe until an acceptable suitor has come along, or do you want the girl who has lived life to its fullest, experienced everything and has a thousand stories to tell you, each more unbelievable than the last?
The next time you see a bad girl, don’t walk past her to get to the girl-next-door standing to her left. Buy her a shot of Sambucca and let her take you to that questionable strip club in the bad part of town. Because even if you wake up in the morning and your wallet is gone, you’ll have had a better time with her than talking ergonomics with the nice girl.