Tonight, as the sun bids farewell and the moon casts a shadow across the world – I realize that my body is drowning. It is in these moments of soul-crushing nostalgia that my mind is hit with waves of heart stabbing thought. Thoughts of the past – What we had, what we could have been and how I now struggle to survive as just me, a me without you. I cannot fathom that it’s been a year since I have felt the warmth of your arms around my frame and yet, I can still smell your cologne as if you’re beside me and feel the ghost of your lips trailing down my neck. Closing my eyes, and all I can envision is your hazel eyes staring back at me, breathing in reminders of how similar they are to the colors of the Earth. Vividly, I remember how the corners of your mouth would turn up and your tongue would fall between your teeth with the sounds of your laughter. How your nostrils would flare as you’d knit your eyes together and reveal frown lines yet to become wrinkles. I could tell you where each growing hair was scattered across your cutting jawline. Every misplaced freckle. Every raised vein running along your arm. Your rising chest and sucked in stomach as you peacefully slept.
These are the times, in the abyss of the lightless night; that I realize something deep inside of me is broken. Broken, in a way that I never knew I could break.
Regrettably, I remember every little thing and no matter how many times I wash my body to eradicate myself of your delicate touch and your feathery satin like kisses, I still feel you. Countless amount of times I’ve closed my eyes, screeching in pain that could only be described as deathly, that there is no place like home and crashed my heels together – Yet, I still end imprisoned in this living hell, encompassed with a broken heart, tear-stained cheeks and empty looking eyes.
You were my purpose and now that you’re gone, I can no longer assume any reason to open my eyes to the blinding pain of the sunrise. Despite the fact that we shouldn’t mould humans into homes, I made a home out of you and now I remain so fucking homesick. You were the cement that held me together, the bricks that kept me stable and the insulation that kept me warm. Oh the fucking irony, that the feelings you give me now are that of an energy bill when my balance is empty, a sunken pit in my stomach for I know that I will never heal from this. No longer do I have a shelter thus every strike of thunder hits so much harder now that you are no longer by my side. With each dusty greying cloud, I become suffocated and blinded from ever seeing any light. Every slight raindrop drags me into a torrential downpour of cheap vodka – Dousing me for days. My heart has been ripped to fucking shreds and the worst part of it is that you don’t care. You released me so effortlessly, like a balloon floating through the wind – A thought that once would have felt so freeing yet, I’m forced to endure this pain; so far out of my depth. I’ve disappeared into an oblivion of space, stuck with no idea for how to escape. Could it be that I’ve simply hit my head and fallen down a rabbit hole or will I forever be stuck in this pit of darkness and despair?
Oh, forgive me for writing to you. I know that she will be cuddled up in your arms and your hands are caressing her 7-month young bump that holds a bundle of your love mixed together. No, this letter won’t shift a blind bit of difference in your life for you don’t miss me but, I just had to tell you that I miss you. I will never stop missing you.