To My Narcissistic Ex: You Could Never Destroy Me

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Christopher Campbell / Unsplash

I’m finally ready to forgive you.

With any hope, forgiving you may finally free me from this strife. Strife that is wrangling at my inner core, craving to be released. This letter will be lengthy; Maybe it will take a lifetime to articulate for it will exhaust me of all my tears. Tears that need shedding; tears shed for the girl that I am no more, tears shed for the girl that you snatched away from me.

The aftermath? Oh, people say heartbreak is agonizing. Yet, they draw a blank at the years and months that follow. When we found ourselves together, I had little reason to be apprehensive. For, there was no logic in me to doubt, that when a boy tells you he loves you, he might not mean it.

In the end, I had no idea that you would reside to breaking both your promises and my heart in one fell swoop.

Consequently, I’m forever doubting the meanings behind people’s words. I second guess everybody thus leaving myself feeling clever yet, in reality I am only wounding myself further. My guard is now soaring for the fucking stars. This wall that I have suffocated myself with is indestructible and for the life of me, I cannot rid myself from this prison. Maybe, just maybe, this act will guard me from further harm but, in reality, I am only enduring the pain that you unleashed onto me.

I profusely refuse to be the subject of this heartache for a moment longer.

It was not a mistake on my part to have trust in moments of fabricated truth – I was young and exposed. Perfect prey for the predator that is you. Of course, it was idiotic of me to cling to the words of an emotionally detached ravenous narcissist. Was that a little bit aggressive? Yes. Yet, I cannot bring myself to apologize. What you say, is that your behavior was “out of character” but, can’t you see? It was never out of character. The cruelness within your soul is a spectacular sight – a sight that I hope to never witness again. Possibly, our relationship brought out an evil that you’d not met before. Maybe, you are going to dig deep and bury it, as for it to not see the light of day again. Except, now all the softness and innocence that I was is buried deep and may too, never see the light of day again. That doesn’t seem fair.

Please, spare me the “life isn’t fair” bullshit, I don’t want to hear it.

I used to feel blissful about the fact that you carelessly disregarded my love and everything that I was, it meant that you’d worsen throughout the years and wind up as a repulsive human being. No, I do not wish that for you now. Now, I dream that true love is written in fairy lights across your destiny. As I write that, I cannot fathom the fact that I actually mean it yet, I do. From beginning to end, I wholeheartedly mean it. My desire for you is that you meet a person that forces your heart to beat in a flash, whilst your stomach erupts into a sacred garden of flourishing flowers and beauteous butterflies. I hope that you treat them like they are the most paramount person on this planet. I hope that you share kisses in the rain, clothes soaked through. I hope that you have a song that reminds you of one and other. I hope that you laugh in the middle of an argument and seek home in one and others arms. I hope that you spend days in your underwear, laughing and enjoying one and others company.

The throb of heartache that I was subjected to, is something that I can cope with, so long as another human never has to feel it.

Contemplating the past through wiser eyes, I am utterly perplexed by the idea that we regarded ourselves as “meant to be.” The two of us are merely abstracts of one and other. Belonging to separate dimensions, thousands of light years apart.

The gravity of my soul is something that you always struggled to comprehend. Exerting refusal to grasp my sensitivity, strength and will power became your way of rolling the dice and never losing. How I feel, how I think – perhaps it intimidated you. Possibly, that’s why you tried to destroy me. I don’t think I ever truly knew you either. Maybe that was our catalyst or maybe it’s erratic to try and put a meaning to our finale. We didn’t work out because we were astray from one another, it’s as transparent as that.

So, although, you completely devoured my sense of self – I forgive you. For, I understand that I never denied your destruction. Subconsciously, I told myself that I would never get any better and so, not only do I forgive you, I forgive myself.

No longer do I hate you, there have been times that I’ve felt enraged with a storm of fury and hatred towards you but alas, I no longer feel that. Yes, a time was once true when I’d look to you and see the most beautiful human in the entire cosmos – I realize that I loved you like I’d never loved anything else. I would have done anything for you, no questions asked. If you needed me, I’d have been there. Never would I have disowned your love yet, it was so feeble – A corrupt and tainted version of love that I thought was real and so, through my vulnerability I latched myself onto the first person that wanted me and swore I’d never let go.

So, thank you – thank you for leaving. Towards the end of our relationship, I was a shell of a human being. Barley, was I existing, let alone living and so, I wound up scared of the world and in that I sought a world in you. Honestly, it sickens me to conceive where I would be right now if we were still together. You’d have torn through the very structure of my being thus wreaking havoc in my senses and my heart – even more so than what you’d already delivered. The departure of your hatred meant that I found my inner strength again. I started to remember who I was and what exactly I am made of.

I am made of the most aggressive metals. Flowing through my body is pure titanium blood enclosed with a flesh of steel. I am the most fearful tsunami, surging for the shore, ripping through land. I am the mass of a fire, tearing through the darkness with flames of passion. Contrived of the carbon that circulates my body, your sheer pressure hardened me to a diamond. I am one. One that cannot be torn down. One that battles through the night and awakens with a smile at sunrise. Don’t you get it? I am indestructible.

I think I understand now, you forced your eyes shut. The glowing light of my being is too much for your darkness.

So, to the boy that ripped my heart into more than two pieces. I forgive you. For everything.

Finally, I can breathe again.  TC mark

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