I Have To Learn How To Live On My Own Again

Unsplash, Rowan Chestnut
Unsplash, Rowan Chestnut

To say you broke my heart would be an understatement. To say you shattered my heart still fails to suffice for its current state. Both of those cases would provide hope for it to mend itself one day. But that is not the case.

My heart has an interminable pain that no drug, food, movie, or person can heal. I have seconds of hope that flash by from moment to moment, only to be shattered by my mind’s wandering ways.

I try. I try every second of every day not to think about the what ifs, the hows, the whys — and you in general — but it’s a constant battle. When those around me, who don’t know the situation and never will, tell me to “move on,” they fail to realize the greater pain it causes me.

I didn’t want this. You say you didn’t either. But careless mistakes followed by unfathomably absurd happenings led to our destruction. The destruction of me, you, and us.

My life is no longer you and I. I no longer can be referred to as your girlfriend. I am just me. I have no attachment. I have no rock to lean against when needed. I have only myself.

I was never one to be dependent on boys or people in general, but the ability to let my being fall into yours and relax for even a few seconds of the day was bliss. You got me. You knew me. There was no “too far” or “too much” when it came to sharing who we were as individuals and who we were as a couple.

But now? Now it’s uncomfortable. Knowing you are so close, yet so far, pains me. I have to remind my heart to keep beating, because I don’t have you to keep it beating when my days are rough. I am the only one to massage it back to life in hopes one day it will be able to beat on its own.

Everyone tells me that heartbreak is a part of life, and I agree. However, what about the type of heartbreak where both people still want to be together? One would think, well then be together. The simplicity of such is something I yearn for and will never receive.

That possibility was taken from me. It was taken from both of us. We are now left to fend for ourselves and figure out our way in life alone. Not being a part of your daily life hurts me more than I thought possible, but it’s my new life.

Your name no longer lights up my phone like it used to. My phone remains silent. As do I. I don’t know what to do or where to go, but I have to figure it out. For me. Not for you. Not for anyone else but me, because I no longer am attached to you and I no longer hold a title that caused me to forget about my own well-being.

I have learned that in order for me to survive, I need to put the energy I used to put into making sure you were okay into myself. I have yet to figure out how to do it, but I will. I will learn who I am as a woman, student, daughter, and sister, because I want to. I want to do this for myself.

I’m terrified. I’m terrified to do this alone, but I know that in the end, the only person that remains is me. People will come and go and the last woman standing will ultimately be me, so why not be the best last woman standing that I can be?

So, good luck to you and I wish you the best. I will always be here for you, as a best friend is, but from now on, I am my own priority. TC mark

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