You came into my life quietly… unexpectedly. I wasn’t looking for anyone as I was just recovering from a heartbreak myself, the pain of which I didn’t think would end. But all of a sudden you were there, with your charm, your lopsided grin and twisted sense of humour. I knew right then and there, my heart was in trouble.
It wasn’t that I was scared to love again, I was wary, but there was something about you that made me wanted to risk it all over again. I got to know you, I was flattered by how easily you’ve opened yourself up to me, letting me get a glimpse of your vulnerability, your raw, honest, true form. Sharing me your hopes and dreams. This fragile side of you left me craving for more, I grew a soft spot for you.
I wanted to hold you close, to show you that you are worth loving despite your past mistakes. I yearned to care for you and to never let you feel the pain you’ve felt before. I knew then that we could make it work. After all, we were just two souls trying to find a place to put our hearts into in this crazy world. We both wanted to heal, to find someone who will break the walls we’ve built and show us how great love can be. I knew you wanted the same thing, or so I thought.
Like any type of relationships, ours was not perfect. We had good times, great ones even – days when all was sweet and blissful. And then there were the tough times, the hardest days which made me curl up in a ball in bed at night, crying myself to sleep, asking myself what I’m doing wrong.
You see, those tough times that we had, we were meant to share them together, go and grow through it together. But most of the time, you would shut me out or get so mad at me I’d feel guilty for no apparent reason. I had to be careful with the words I said, like walking on glass, careful not to displease or anger you.
I knew it wasn’t right, but I put my faith in you. Praying that eventually things will get better.
You would shut me out and retreat in your own world then come back whenever you pleased. Pretending nothing happened and that everything was just as it used to be. Then just like that, we’re back to square one, happy and carefree again. And over and over again we’d sink into an endless void, fighting, silence, cold shoulder, coming back up again, and then sinking and then back up again and again… This went on for months, one step forward, two steps backward.
I knew that it had to stop, I began to feel a little exhausted, like something in me was being chipped away piece by piece. Inside I was changing too, I wasn’t laughing as much as I used to, was constantly on edge dreading what’s coming next.
I knew I had to stop but I couldn’t.
I’m a firm believer that something worth having was never easy so in my mind I believe that in the end it’s going to be worth all the pain. But part of me was begging me to stop or else I could lose myself trying to hold on to someone who I was no longer sure wanted to be held. But still, I’ve put my faith in you, I couldn’t gave up on you.
Until eventually, you gave up. You let go. Your deafening silence hurt more than any harsh words you have said. Although I know that sometimes things don’t work out the way we wish them to, that some things are meant to end, I didn’t quite expect for it to end this way. I have experienced most, if not all kinds of pain but I never thought it would come from you.
Why? When all I ever wanted was to love your pain, anger and brokenness away. Was it too much of me to think I could fix you? But in the end I hurt myself trying to put your pieces back together. Your insensitive words belittling my pain cut through to me I could literally hear my own heart breaking. You have hurt me and you don’t get to decide whether you did or didn’t.
But despite all these, I still wish you the best. I will never wish bad things for you, will never want someone to give you the pain you have given me. They say that the only consolation we have in losing someone we love is that perhaps it is for the best. I would like to think so – that there is a greater plan at work around all these pain. That everything will come full circle and I will soon see that it had to happen and be thankful for it.
After all, I still think of you as a lesson, someone who made me realised that despite my own brokenness, I was and still am capable of loving with all my heart and with all my soul. It may all have been in bits and pieces… But I still gave you my very best.