In the aftermath of the trauma you caused me, I thought it would be easier to try to forget. To move on. To pretend as if you never existed. The thought of you still makes me sick, though time has passed.
But little reminders of the pain I felt creep up in subtle ways, and I am forced to recall all the ways in which I am not the same as before.
Because of you, I now avoid any sort of closeness or attachment with any individual, because I fear that they will try to keep me at a safe distance, like you did with me.
Because of you, it’s so much harder for me to measure someone’s true level of openness, because you taught me that some people are astonishingly good at exploiting you to try to get what they want. In your case, it was my body.
Because of you, I subconsciously believe that everyone will eventually show a lack of empathy, the way you did. After the first missed text or cancellation of plans, It will be easy for me to disappear without a mere thought. Without giving any benefit of the doubt. Because of you.
Because of you, I have a lingering fear that anyone I date will always be hiding something, like how you hid the existence of your son for months.
Because of you, reciprocation and thoughtfulness make me feel uneasy. You taught me that even if it is given, it doesn’t last long and it is only used to get something in return.
Because of you, I now find a sick pleasure in ignoring those who have done nothing wrong to me. It’s an inner battle I now have with myself but I cannot help.
Because of you, I carry around this resentment toward anyone tall, dark, or male. Anyone that looks even remotely like you, I automatically feel anger towards.
Because of you, I once looked in the mirror and saw myself as “damaged goods” or unworthy of love, because that’s what you told me I was. That is what you treated me like when I didn’t hold the same value to you anymore.
Because of you, I will always fear that whomever I am dating is also dating many others at the same time. You taught me that “staying in tonight” means it is the other girl’s night.
Because of you, I wanted to leave this Earth and never come back. You had the ability to make me feel utterly insignificant in a way no one ever has when things got difficult. When I needed you the most.
Because of you I am not the same innocent, pure, vulnerable, hopeful girl. And that is ONLY because of you.