I Hate The Way They Look At Me When I Talk About You

My goal with this message is to reach out to anyone who has loss a loved one close to them, for the obvious reason of being able to relate to someone; but also for the people who have the blessings of some higher power to have not yet lost someone close to them, and how you might be triggering those of us who have. Of course, we know you have no harm intended with this, and it is something you don’t even think about. But I want to bring it to light, and I want to thank the powerhouse of supporters I have been indescribably blessed with around me for making the ‘hard’ days a little more bearable.

 

For those who do not know my story, there’s three main points to it: I lost my mom when I was 15, I lost my dad when I was 20, and I am now 22 years old and miss them like hell but I am OKAY.

I walk around with an immeasurable amount of pride every single day knowing that she was my mother, and he was my father. Just because your time on earth has ended does not mean our relation has. You are still just as much my parent as the parents in my friend’s posts and snap chats. I catch myself talking of you in present and past sense, numerous times within the same conversation. I remember initially, after both losses; I would stop myself and repeat the entire sentence over in the proper tense, of you no longer being here. I did this to train myself I assume, but also to save the person I was speaking to of any discomfort. Even my best friends. Now, it’s whatever, and I do not care who I offend.

I can connect absolutely any given thing to at least one of my parents. Of course, I hold back the majority of the time because who really wants to hear about two people that are no longer here?

But I have to say it – I hate the way that people look at me when I talk about you, like they need to immediately shift the subject, like the very mention of you is too much for me to handle, like your name is a dangerous weapon that can harm me.

You are my favorite subject to talk about, and the only reason I ever stop or avoid is to save someone else’s comfort.

You were incredible to me, and made me who I am; so if there is someone talking to me and the conversation grazes the subject of you, to me; you are always going to be worth mentioning.

Your names will always sting something within me, and there is indeed pain attached. There is no doubt about that. It cuts like a razor blade. But it’s not going to kill me.

 

One thing that I have said since the day I lost my mother was I would never wish that feeling of loss upon any one else. Maybe I have only had one true enemy in my life, but I still would not wish it upon her. I have to say, it’s not the initial loss that hurts the most. It’s the days, months, years, holidays and events that happen after. And that sole fact is exactly what hurts, the fact that all of the birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, graduations, relationships, new memories, new houses, new people. They all still happen without your loss loved one being present. People never forget about them, but you cannot help but feel annoying when it’s been five years, and you wake up one morning not wanting to get out of bed because you can’t go have tea with them or watch a movie with them or even call them to hear their voice. Who cares that it’s their birthday? Why are you sad on this date, shouldn’t you be happy they were born at all?

That was an actual question I was asked a few years back. My response remains the same – “you’re kidding me, right!?”

 

Dates, songs, words, movies, places, names, people; it will always sting. I actually believe it stings deeper as more time passes. But there is absolutely nothing you can do about that, so there really is no point in complaining. Savor it. Be thankful that you had something, someone; worth losing.

 

I have said it to any person who has questioned my situation and I’m not sure I’ll ever stop saying it – I would go through these losses a hundred times over again before I had to be in the position of the people around me have been in. I cannot fathom what it must be like for people to watch someone get struck by such deep losses twice over. I would rather tackle the pain both times again than attempt to be there for someone or make him or her feel better or okay or even feel anything at all.

I do not know how my family, friends, parents’ friends have done it – but they have helped me more than I could have ever helped myself.

My siblings and I were left with so much family on my mom’s side, a smaller yet just as close family on my dads, and more importantly as an extra blessing – their friends. My mom’s friends took me in as a daughter figure, always complimenting a new haircut, my grades, being there for prom pictures. My dad was part of a motorcycle club, and even though those guys look like they just walked through hell and have never smiled once in their life, their hearts are the size of the sun and twice as warm.

From the moment it happened, they were there and there is such a large amount of people who haven’t left. It’s been awhile, I get it. But those people that even text you a heart on the hard days, they are the ones you know you can rely on. There are some family, friends; who still say ‘anything you need, I’m here you know that’. No! I don’t know that. I don’t know that, because if you meant that, then would you not think that you would be present on the days that you know put a little extra weight on my chest? Holidays, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day. This could just be me asking too much, when really I shouldn’t be asking at all. I know who is there for me because they remind me weekly, daily. Time makes things hurt more while for others, it makes them forget.

But you always remember those who forget. You remember them exceptionally more.