I’m Not The Girl Looking For Love

Flickr / Soe Lin
Flickr / Soe Lin

“Why don’t you have a boyfriend yet?” my grandmother asks me on one of my trips home from college. “I don’t want one” I reply. She then rolls her eyes and says, “That’s no excuse for a girl like you.” What does that mean? What type of girl am I in my grandmother’s eyes that I must have a boyfriend? Oh wait, that’s right. I’m the person who jumps right in and changes the conversation as quickly as possible.

As I get older, I see that everyone on my social media newsfeed is either getting married or having a baby. I don’t understand it. As a woman in my early twenties, I am still trying to figure out who I am as a person, how could it be that people my age are adding others into the picture already? Of course I date people every now and then but dating is a totally normal thing to be doing at this time in my life. My goal right now is to meet people I mesh well and can see a future as friends with before I jump to being in love with these people.

I’m not looking at the world with eyes of a young girl laying in bed dreaming that my Prince Charming is somewhere out there waiting for me. I don’t believe that there is one person out there for everyone, just waiting until the day they cross paths. I see Pinterest boards of what people want at their weddings. Hundreds of pins of dresses, centerpieces, places to get married and even hairstyles for the big day. I cringe thinking of the idea that this is what people care about. Isn’t it about the person you are marrying, not the things you have at the ceremony? I never pictured a big wedding with lots of people, let alone a wedding at all. I never dreamed of my day as many call it. I haven’t wanted that in my life so far.

Somewhere along the lines of growing up, I realized that it is okay to feel the way I do about marriage. It is okay that I don’t dream about a wedding or who the person is at the end of the aisle. It’s just not who I am as a person and I don’t need to lie and pretend that it is. I can freely share my feelings with others and then listen to them try to convince me otherwise. But I don’t care how everyone else feels, or what society thinks I should do. I am content with my life as is and want to continue enjoying the place I am currently in.

When I meet a guy and he asks me about my future, I kindly and usually awkwardly, find a way to say that although I’m not there yet, I don’t want kids and don’t believe I ever will. I try to explain that while I’m still young, I just know what I can handle and kids aren’t in the picture for me. I’ve never been one to think of the future of my relationships. I’m here in this current moment and enjoying the situation as it is.

I’ve always believed I am sort of a handful for men. I am independent and outspoken. I won’t hide how I feel about anything. I screw up all relationships almost instantly because most guys want a girl who enjoys them taking charge in the relationship. If I pretended to be that girl, I’d be lying. And most likely the truth would eventually come out. I am not the girl to conform to what someone else wants me to be and if that’s not okay with society, then there are bigger issues to be discussed. I am the girl that enjoys being able to do the things I like to do without having someone tell me where to be and that is normal.

Finally figuring out that this is the type of person I am, I have accepted that it is okay to be this way because I am being true to my beliefs. I’m young and happy with my life, so why do I need to change that? The answer is, I don’t. I don’t need to become dependent on another person and beckon to their every call. I don’t need to be with one person all the time. That would be boring. Maybe one day I’ll feel what other girls feel for someone. But the truth is, I’m not counting on that. I’m okay with who I am and how I live my life. Not being the girl whose looking for love can be freeing and completely healthy. It allows me to focus on who I am and what I want. I strongly believe that if some sort of love were meant for me in the future, I’d much rather be surprised by it when it comes than be constantly disappointed in my attempts to find it. If love comes out of nowhere and surprises me, I’ll hopefully feel genuinely excited for what’s to come. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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