If You’re Thinking About Coming Back This Time, Don’t

Joao Victor Xavier

You were my world. I imagined my future with you. I imagined you being the father of my children and my life long best friend. I imagined our wedding together, our grandchildren, I imagined every single milestone with you. That’s how deeply in love I was with you. Or still am. You crushed it. You left without much to say. You left claiming your love for me did not match my love for you.

And I forgave you for that. I forgave you for everything. And you did a lot.

You gave me no closure. I was stuck with the constant thoughts flowing through my head on what I did wrong. I spent weeks unable to eat because I lost my appetite, sleep because I’d dream of you, or function because you were constantly on my mind. So I drank. And I drank a lot. I drank away your pain. I drank away the thought of you. And when you came back, I still forgave you. After everything.

You broke me. And I’m not just saying that in a small sense, I mean you literally broke me. The way you left had a domino affect on everything in my life. Suddenly, I wasn’t who I was anymore. Suddenly, I wasn’t the same. I was no longer “your girlfriend”, I was just me. And I didn’t want to get used to that. I liked how our names were attached to each other like glue.

So I tortured myself. Instead of deleting your pictures, I stared at them. Instead of unfollowing you on Instagram, I stalked yours. Instead of deleting your number, I re-read our old texts wondering where it went wrong. Wondering where I went wrong.

Then, it got easier. Every breath came back with a little less pain than the one before. Every day became a little easier to live. I started to get over you. I started to gain my appetite back and sleep well through the night.

Then you came back. You came back into my life like you never left, begging for me back. Mistakenly, I said yes. I forgave you for all the awful things you did or said about me. I forgave you for all the lies you said. I forgave you, because I loved you. And I thought you loved me too. You said you would change, and you didn’t. You said you would be better and you weren’t. Shame on you for fooling me again. So you did what you were so good at doing and left. Without a word, you walked out of my life just as easily as you walked in all those times. You acted like those years spent together were nothing and that I was never important to you.

So I tortured myself again. I cried again. I lost my appetite again. I lost sleep again. My heart broke again. But I recovered. I was happy again. I learned to live my life without you in it. Again.

But you continued to make your presence in my life for months. Constantly popping up when its convenient for you too, but never having any intentions on staying. It took me months to realize, you never wanted me to move on which is why you remained active when you felt I moved on. But you never wanted to stay, which is why it was so easy for you to leave. You never wanted me with anyone else besides you. You liked the idea of someone giving you their all, but not giving it back in return. You liked the control you had over my life.

But no longer. No longer will your presence control my life. No longer will your constant reminder of what was once had will affect my sleep and eating habits. You have no control over me. And one day when you realize what you had, you’re going to slap yourself in your face for giving up someone who did everything for you. And I won’t be there this time. I’ll be with someone who values me for who I am and what I do for them.

You broke my heart beyond repair.

Your presence no longer affects me because I became immune to you. Your inconsistency was just another aspect of my life. It no longer hurt me. I no longer had any intention on being your friend anymore. I no longer had any thought of trying to be apart of your life. I no longer cared what you were doing. I just wanted you out of my life. And the fact that you pushed me to the point where I don’t want to be friends with you after trying so hard to be friends, that alone should keep you up at night. You broke me. You ruined me.

Now I’m fixing me. So screw you for trying to break the pieces I just repaired. Screw you for all that you did. Screw you for your manipulations and mind games. Screw. You. Leave my life for good because I don’t want you back.

With that being said, I wish you the best of luck. I hope what you did to me never happens to you.

So if you plan on trying to make a presence in my life, do me a favor and don’t. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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