1. Show your best self to them right off the bat
You’ve been single for a while now, which has given you plenty of opportunity for self-discovery. Sure, you’ve dated a little here and there, but never anything with a title. So you find yourself saying things like, “Yeah, he and I had a thing for a while last year,” knowing full well that that makes not a bit of sense but that any other millennial will totally get what you’re talking about. So, when you finally meet the guy, the one who seems to have everything you’ve been looking for in a potential mate, you’re able to put your best foot forward and show them the person that, if you were homosexual, you yourself would totally fall for. Good job, you’ve got their attention. Keep that going and we can move onto:
2. Make sure to take issue with super unimportant details
Hey, so things are going well! You’ve decided not to see other people and you refer to each other by those coveted terms, boyfriend and girlfriend, if only hesitantly to each other to sort of get a feel for how they sound coming out of your mouth. That’s great. Now as you open up more and more to each other, try to find a topic that your Significant Other (hereby referred to as SO) is totally honest about but that for whatever reason totes rubs you the wrong way. This can be ANYTHING! The fact that they remain friends with an ex, despite the fact that you have a similar relationship with one of yours, a detail you try not to dwell on (besides, she is WAY pretty and your ex is like the Seth Rogan of your friend group. Total non-threat.) This could also be a hobby they’ve decided to take up, a new job they’ve decided to take, who knows! The possibilities are endless. Just make sure that you do a horrible job of hiding your discomfort any and all times the subject is brought up in conversation. Also, feel free to talk out what bothers you about this issue with your SO, even though you know what you’re saying makes no sense and you look like a total fucking crazy bitch. Which leads us to:
3. Use your issues from #2 to develop huge self-esteem issues
Hey, remember that awesome person you had become just before this relationship began? Me neither, who was that anyway? That person is long gone, because you’ve now become insanely self-conscious as well as self-deprecating at times. Everyone’s most attractive quality! Your SO continues that relationship or hobby because its not a big deal, and their passé attitude only drives your burning hatred for the subject. #logical. This continues, leading to huge jealousy and trust issues that are completely unfounded. Make sure you tuck your concerns away sort of like the tissue paper coming out of a gift bag. Yeah, you kind of tried to make it look good but in the end you’re fairly satisfied with it sticking up in all directions, making your gift look like it was put together by a shitty 8 year old who just doesn’t give a fuck. Bonus points if you constantly berate your SO about their happiness in the relationship and if they still feel the way they did about you in the beginning. You recognize how different you are from the person they first met which only brings about more self-esteem issues and leads to frustration about why you can’t just be that person again. As your attempts to get back to who you were in the beginning fail, we reach:
4. Your worst fears about the relationship ending fuel the relationship ending
So you’ve successfully mind-fucked your SO by doing a complete 180, becoming a self-obsessed territorial freak when you were once a carefree intelligent well-grounded person. You feel the relationship change and know it’s your fault. You’ve told people about each other now so there’s going to be real world fall out when it ends which makes you grasp at the threads of the disheveled relationship all the more fiercely. So that’s cool.
5. Finally, they leave and you are left all alone
Yes! You did it! You completely isolated yourself from your SO and sanity until they had no choice but to leave to keep from going insane themselves. Don’t worry though. Your dark thoughts about the relationship and what you did wrong will keep you up at night in replacement of the long intimate conversations you once had with them. The doubts and fears you acquired from this romance should contribute to more self-discovery for at least the next six months, or until you have a chance to fuck up another healthy relationship, an opportunity which you gladly accept. Make sure this pattern continues your entire life so you’re left at the end to wonder how anyone finds happiness with another person and finally conclude that you are, in fact, unlovable. Yay!