I don’t know how to say this but I feel like I should tell you: I can’t stop thinking about that night we kissed.
I noticed that we were a little touchy at the bar. But it wasn’t obvious. I was asking you lots of questions about you and your life as a gay woman. Then you told everyone at the table that you’ve fantasized about someone in the group. I knew it was me. I never even entertained the thought of kissing a girl until that night. I was the only one among our friends that had not tried it yet and I felt left out.
I didn’t really think it would happen. I mean, we hung out a couple of times and I was never attracted to you that way. Plus I was hooking up with some guy at the time and I was having so much fun. I was having the time of my life.
We took the after party to my place as usual. I found it cute that you didn’t know how to smoke weed from a pipe. To make things easier we decided to shot gun, which led to us kissing. I felt the electricity. I didn’t want it to end. I’ve kissed a good number of guys in my life and none of them have kissed me the way you did. I was holding back. Our friends were there. I was nervous but I didn’t want it to end.
When it was all over and you left, I lay in bed thinking about what had happened. I was confused. How could I have enjoyed kissing a girl that much? Did it make me gay? I was totally straight. After all, it was just a kiss. I still liked men … but I liked you too. Maybe I was just being really experimental. Pushing my limits. Seeing what the world had to offer me. Breaking out of my conservative catholic schoolgirl mold. I could pretty much do whatever I want just as long as I wasn’t reckless.
You texted me the next day telling me you had a great time. I chose to ignore it. Instead, I called my FWB (friend with benefits) for a booty call because I felt like I had to sex myself back to being 100% straight. Restore my sexuality. I enjoyed that a lot too.
You texted me again a few days later. I was dying to talk to you but I still held back. I stayed away because I was leaving anyway. I hate drama and anything complicated. Don’t get me wrong; I felt so guilty for doing this to you. I didn’t want to mess with your emotions.
When I left the city I felt like it was okay to be your friend. I sent you one text and the conversation hasn’t ended. It’s been almost a month and we still talk. I find myself checking my phone to see if you’ve left me a message. I like talking to you, we have amazing conversations about almost everything and anything. We dance around the topic of love and relationships. I tell you about my boys and you tell me about your girls. Sometimes we just talk about our mutual love for music and cartoons. We’ve become pretty close. I think about you a lot.
You’re all the way there and I’m all the way here. I don’t believe in long distance relationships and I don’t think I could date you. I know our paths will cross again soon but right now all I want to do is be your friend and kiss you.