Yesterday I was urged toward the ocean, toward isolation and reverie. A single song was on loop and I couldn’t help but feel… Feel that I’ve been rewarded my entire life for feeling as deep and as freely and as often as I do.
Recently though, as my career progresses and progresses as a coach, it can seem like my logic is the most valuable aspect about me. These months I’ve leaned on it more than ever. I’ve made challenging decisions from a place of logic, overriding comfort, familiarity and especially desire for something deeper, something harder to make out. And, really, what that’s been is myself.
The truth is, I’ve let love distract me for most of my years. As soon as I’ve closed in on the “moreness” that I’ve been driven toward, I’ve taken up a man and so effortlessly drifted off with him. I’m okay with those choices because, well, look where I am and look what I’m doing. That drifting and those loves have informed everything. And thank God for that.
This said, there’s a grief to no longer choosing like I used to choose. There’s a grief to letting go of precious connections and priceless emotions, to habits that you’ve allowed for and channeled for a decade. The further I get away from those habits, the more I become someone else. Or, rather, someone different, someone more.
As I was staring at the water, it hit me that I haven’t been feeling enough lately. That is, I haven’t let myself feel and express the transition away from loving another and into loving myself, and the life I’m leading, alone. Basically, I’ve prioritized my ex’s comfort and recovery, that is that I not speak up openly, for what is essential for my own—my own healing and understanding and growth. I’ve reasoned everything away but I haven’t really let myself feel the feelings. Talking about it simply hasn’t been powerful enough. But I’m a feeler, and I must do that.
It seemed crazy to me yesterday when I had this revelation. Crazy that my entire career and, beyond that, my entire character is centered in feeling more than most, caring more than many think is necessary or safe… and, yet, I’ve been holding myself back from what’s innate and of absolute importance to me.
It’s never been so clear, that I must brave myself again. I have to feel it all. Otherwise, I’m missing myself. I’m missing the greatest part of myself as I come into new strengths that I haven’t known myself for but have always ventured to discover.
The point is, as we shift and let go and become, we mustn’t let go of what makes us so uniquely ourselves in the first place.