It’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to be angry, its okay to not want to get out of bed and it’s okay to feel nothing.
Everyone sends their love, condolences, sympathies, and sorrows. You’re greeted with messages of everyone expressing their sadness at the news and their thoughts are with you. And of course the ‘I can’t imagine what you’re going through’ and in all honesty – no, no you can’t and nor do I ever wish for you too.
Grief is normality after the loss of a loved one, but the actual process is not. You lose interest in everything, things that once appealed to you or loved doing, there is nothing there any longer, with no understanding why. You don’t dream of the days ahead, you don’t think about what is currently happening, you just feel at a loss. Like there is nothing. No emotion, no energy, no nothing.
Different people grieve in different ways and there is a beauty in accepting that. You have to accept they will never see you excel in your career, get married or be able to bear the love they gave you to your children. There are many more thought strands on this, with those being the main. Hours turn into days, days into months and then you feel like you are beginning to regain your stride, until the next anniversary approaches.
The first are ones the hardest.
In general, daily reminders and thoughts you get used to. You enjoy it and it becomes a part of your thought process, a somewhat gentle reminder, you don’t forget, you simply learn to live and grow with it. But then you reach birthdays, Christmas and other significant dates, that’s when it begins, the void reopens. Beautiful memories become a regular haunt in your mind. You recognize that overwhelming emotion of blank, numb, nothingness and it takes you back to the raw time of feeling nothing, but thinking everything. Thoughts of this time last year amongst thoughts of younger fond memories spin in your mind and you get lost in your head. Their face, their voice, their personality and their love.
A self struggle after thinking you adjusted (never forgotten) and gotten into a routine that doesn’t include someone in their physical state but – remember that they’re always with you. Helping you through your path in life and making you persevere to get you where you need to be. Those little messages come in all forms. White feathers and butterflies gracefully pass you as a reminder if you’re ever unsure or need a little direction, they let you know they’re there. Supporting you fully, always by your side and more importantly – forever in your heart.