To Whom It May Concern,
I am writing this letter to accompany my resume because; well that’s what you’re supposed to do apparently. Other than blatantly saying on the first line “I am writing this letter because I am in desperate need of a job to pay back these student loans,” I have to make up some bullshit reason why you should hire me. So, I have decided to create the best, non-bullshit reasons why your company should hire me.
Well, like I said, I need a job. I am an official college graduate, I repeat college, and therefore I have loans to pay back. So, how about you be nice, and help me out with that?
Aside from needing a job for my student loans, I need a job to go buy the most comfy cardigans from H & M. Yes, I have an obsession, and no an hourly wage job isn’t going to cut it for me anymore. So, hire me, please?
I need to pay rent. Being fresh out of college, with a brand new [expensive] apartment isn’t going to work without a job. I really, really don’t want to move back in with my parents. They ask too many questions, like “Where are you going,” when I’m leaving the house at 11:00 at night to go get a Redbox movie. If I move back there, I’m going to be treated like I’m 16 –not 22. Don’t make me move back in there, I am begging you.
In my [expensive] apartment, I am going to need food. Don’t let me starve, that’s inhuman. People need to eat. I need to eat.
You won’t meet me until I come in for the interview, after you call me, hopefully, but you should know in advance, I am pretty awesome. I am super easy to work with. I won’t ask you stupid questions, I’ll just Google them, and I won’t talk your ear off like your one colleague does every morning on the elevator. Also, I’ll bring you coffee (from Starbucks) every morning.
Besides the fact that I am pretty awesome, and yes you can contact my family and few friends, they will agree; I am funny [duh], and talented. Just look at the effort I put into this cover letter. Once again, you can contact my friends and family, and they will agree.
If you are a sarcastic asshole, so am I; so we will get along just great. So hire me.
I will show up early, or on time every day. I will be dressed appropriately, and always have a smile on my face (when you walk by, because honestly who smiles when they are walking into work early in the morning [an idiot]).
Must I go on? What more do you need to know besides the fact that I really need a job, desperately in need of a job. I am awesome, funny, and sarcastic, which in today’s world is a complete bonus.
Thank You For Allowing Me To Waste Your Time,
Me, Who Desperately Needs a Job