I cannot deny the level of disarray my life typically forms. It is full of heartbreak, struggles, and demons. They are not something I hide, but they are bigger than I let on. They do not scare me anymore, but they are around. They are dark and lonely, shame-provoking and challenging. These demons have impacted me every day. I didn’t know what to do with them. I found out when I met you, the cute new guy, and they started to grow dimmer.
The most impactful thing you allowed me to do was to tell you about them. I had never done this, and the thought of telling you everything made me sick. The horrors of my past were just that—horrifying. All the scary pieces of me that make my dreams dark and my outlook bleak. I had never told anyone all of them before. Somehow, it was so easy with you. I just opened my mouth and you became my human diary. I could tell you anything, and I did. This was my first mistake and one that would break me in half.
It never mattered if we were laying in bed, talking about our secrets, or screaming at each other to just listen—you gave me the strength to face these demons. I stood up to my fears with you, I faced my painful thinking, and I let my gut take the lead. I felt amazing, wild, and free. But really, I see now that it was you that made me feel amazing. I told you once that loving you was simple, and I meant it with every fiber of my person. Loving you, opening up, and relying on you was and continues to be simple. You were the strong arms that pulled me from the depths of despair. It was your fun-loving nature that replaced the smile in my soul. I knew I had met the man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with because I wanted the rest of my life to be full of that feeling.
Then it happened—you left me. I think a part of me always knew you would, because good things don’t happen to girls with such demons. They wouldn’t allow it; they like your soul too much to allow someone’s light to shine through. I don’t think you realized how much you impacted me, how you changed my outlook and lifted my spirit. I felt on cloud nine, and the only population was me and you. This was too good to be true, and you eventually proved that. You proved what I believed all along—that good things don’t happen to the damaged. Or at least, that’s what the demons wanted me to believe. Now they take control again and I am back in a tailspin all these months later.
Loving you is still simple. Missing you is overwhelming. My memories ache for your touch. My soul still aches for our late night discussions over pizza, bubble baths, and Yahtzee. You went from my angel to one of my demons overnight. I’m still trying to understand how someone you love can hurt you so badly. I’m not sure that I’ll ever have an answer to that, but what I have learned is that my demons are controllable with or without you.
Sure, you pushed light through my soul, but it generated through me. I love myself enough to know that the demons are wrong. My damage doesn’t make me unloveable, it makes me strong. My damage makes me understanding, forgiving, and genuine. It makes me want to love, cherish, and stand beside someone who isn’t scared. I realized that I am my own angel and I deserve someone who loves me, fights for me, and who shows up.
I will always love you, though. For many reasons, but mostly because of what you taught and showed me. I may be able to buy a mansion with the pennies counted through my thoughts of you, but I love myself enough to fight them. So instead I find my own ways to fight my demons. I have my own bubble baths, glass of wine, and moments of solitude. I take this moment to remember that I am my own light and I can save myself.