They are scary, they are numbing, and they are real. So would you stay? If I told you about my past, my demons, and my darkness, would you do it? Would you love me anyway? Would you stay?
This is the question that stops me from opening up. I told someone once. I told him all the parts of me that I had kept hidden for so long. I showed him my cracked, damaged and unprepared soul. He didn’t leave at first. He told me it was okay, that he was there for me and that my fight was now his fight. What a magical time. Showing every piece of me, learning to love every piece of me, being happy with every single piece of me.
But then it happened. He left. I get it. He had his own demons, his own battles and darkness. It’s a twisted game, loving someone who is as dark as you. It’s familiar and foreign all at the same time. You give way too many chances because you get it. You’ve felt the cracks. At the same time, your cracks get forgotten. You’re so busy fixing him, you’ve forgotten to fix yourself.
So he left. He went to explore his own life, and that’s okay. But man, does it hurt being left with your open cracks. It’s like you can feel then peel open again and the pain is there like a fresh cut—that sting is back. That’s why I cannot tell you all my scary parts, the dark side of me. I cannot have those cracks opened ever again. It damaged me too much. It changed me, good and bad. I am forever changed since he walked out the door.
I’m scared to tell you every part of me, because what if you think they aren’t worth fighting for? What if it’s too much of a hassle? What if I hurt you with my hurt? What if you leave me too? I want to tell you. I want to be open and present. I just can’t trust that you’ll stay when he didn’t. If someone’s darkness matched mine and it was still too much, how can I expect your light to not run away scared? How can I expect you to stay?
I guess that’s the risk with love. They can leave and never come back, or they can stay and love your pieces. The risk is mine to take, and baby, the risk is just too much.