The other day Thought Catalog took us on a #throwbackthursday with Joe Valentine’s satirical read about how to make a girl fall in love with you in a convenient 13 step listicle. Since we’re all still totally #empowered by Beyonce’s Lemonade I thought it was about time that the girls took charge with these simple steps on how to make any guy fall in love with you.
1.Make yourself look like you just ‘woke up’ like this.
Guys like it when you look naturally flawless, which is impossible because ironically it takes longer to look like you just woke up than it does to look like you spent time getting ready.
2. Eye fuck the hottest guy around.
Let’s pretend for a minute you’re actually trying to meet someone in real life (honestly, ain’t nobody got time for that). Once you get to whatever magically place where that still happens you need to do some serious smizing ala Tyra Banks style so that the male in question can see you are giving him the green light to come over and buy you a drink.
3. Somehow give the impression that you are not looking for a one night stand/ fuck boy/ or other such nonsense.
You must do this carefully though, because girls sitting in bars looking for serious relationships are just asking for the worst possible outcome. Be charming, and cute, and funny, but not outright flirty because otherwise he’ll think you just want the D (which is usually the case but for the purposes of this article lets pretend that it’s not all you’re looking for.)
4. Reassure him you can be ‘one of the guys’
It really doesn’t take a lot to check this step off. Order a strong IPA from a local brewery and start talking about the playoffs (doesn’t matter which one because just like happy hour, there’s always one going on somewhere). Add to that some witty banter about Game of Thrones and you are in sister.
5. Spend time stroking his ego the way he wishes you were stroking his….
Go ahead, just lay it on thick with the “wow you’re so good at that” and add in a few hair tosses and convincing giggles for good measure. Try your best not to hate yourself for giving 1 to team misogyny and 0 to team feminism.
6. Ignore 98% of all the texts he sends to you from that point on but be really really flirty in the 2% you do respond to.
This is a cat and mouse game that we all hate playing but have to do because our generation is basically a huge fail at open communication. Complaining about this and the hook-up culture in general is like Republicans complaining about Donald Trump.
7. Master the game of 0 fucks given.
Guys always fall in love with girls who are genuinely not invested. Not the fake kind of not invested, where you pretend you don’t care but really you do; no, actually not giving any fucks if this guy will fall in love with you. Be more invested in literally anything else (yourself, your dog, your friends, eating all the oreos you just bought) you have going on as long as it’s not dreaming about happily ever after with this rando.
8. Have a fun first date.
If this guy comes at you with the standard “dinner and a movie” date where he awkwardly expects you to pay for any of it (unless you want to) you should find a new dude and start back at step one. Points for a guy who comes up with a date that involves doing something or experiencing something together. Allowances can be made if you came up with the first date idea and he happily agrees to it.
9. Go on some more dates.
… but don’t put pressure on when you will or will not have sex. I know successful couples who have waited, and successful couples who practically had their pants off in the uber. To each their own as long as you occasionally go on some sort of outside activity in the weeks following your first date.
10. Have incredible sex.
As Cersei Lannister once said, “tears aren’t a woman’s only weapon. The best one’s between your legs.” I’ve actually known many great men go doe eyed and stupid from good sex. Also remember the three strikes rule; if he doesn’t go down on you after three times of enjoying “sexy time” he’s out of there.
11. Don’t Have the “What are we” conversation, opt instead for the “where is this going conversation” early on.
Let’s just be honest here for a second, if you are seeing someone and have enjoyed both the naked and un-naked time you’ve spent with them on more than 5 occasions you should definitely have the “what are you looking for”, “where is this going” talk. You don’t have to put a label on it (it’s only been 2 weeks for god’s sake) but being up front and honest about what you expect shows confidence and strong communication skills, both of which make you seemingly more desirable to real men. Also he’ll appreciate that you’re not so insecure that 6 dates in you need to DTR.
12. Put up with his flaws.
Because there will be many (they are men after all) and no one knows that better than him. Undoubtedly many others will not have made it this far and at this point he is wondering why you aren’t drop kicking his ass to the curb. If you’ve actually done most of these steps he’s become keenly aware of how, like Mary Poppins, you are practically perfect in every way. The fact that you still care for him and have sex with him despite all these things will make him fall instantly in deep deep love.
13. Show him you love him.
Everyone is naturally nervous about the first time they say the “L word” to their significant other. Is it too soon? Will they feel the same way? What if all they say is, “thank you’?! That’s why you don’t have to say it, find a way to show it that takes the words right out of your mouth. Nothing says love like ball game tickets and you in a matching jersey. Or a romantic weekend. Or simply ordering his favorite take-out on your way home from work with his favorite TV show already in the queue. The minute you show him that he’s actually in your thoughts he’ll be able to hear the message loud and clear.