This Is What ‘It’s Complicated’ Looks Like

I didn’t know it’d be complicated on our first date. In the first few weeks of dating I figured we’d take it slow, uncovering one another piece by piece until it just made sense that we should become a couple. I liked you, I wanted you, and I’m not ashamed to say I pictured us traveling together, going to concerts, and doing new things as we built something real and solid. Every kiss was euphoric and drew me closer into you and I figured you felt the same way.

I was a little thrown when you threw on the breaks, and quoted me the line, “I just can’t be in a relationship now.” I realize now I could have run, I should have run, but I didn’t. I waited while we slipped into friends with benefits. I waited while you pulled me close and then pushed me away. I waited with every passing week, with other guys, with reckless singleness because I didn’t want it to be complicated. Not with you, not at all.

Because, of course, I know that grey area where you’re more than friends but less than a couple is pointless. I know that I am talented, and smart, and beautiful so waiting to work it out with one guy just doesn’t make sense. I talked myself out of waiting for you multiple times because often times I would wonder if you’d ever be ready. But then I realized I was waiting for you even without realizing it, even without you asking me, and the complexity of our relationship grew.

So, this is what complicated looks like. It looks like having a friendship that no one can define, including us. It looks like being there for one another through the good times and the bad without being asked. It’s having one another back and being one another’s cheerleader. It’s complicated because with one look we can share an intimacy greater than sex, yet mentally we know the timing is wrong even though emotionally we know the feelings are there.

Complicated looks like patience, more patience than I have ever had in my life. Patience not just with the situation, but with us as we work towards being the kind of person who can have a relationship. It looks like figuring it out as we go, because there are times when we have no idea what we are. Sometimes it looks lonely and frustrating, and like work because we are both working on ourselves, separately instead of together.

Yet, it’s true, waiting for it to be less complicated looks like working on myself. It looks like creating my own happiness without you, and throwing cation to the wind because I can. It looks like waiting, yes, but not just until someone better comes along because that would mean I’m just waiting for anyone, and I’m not simply waiting to be in a relationship to make me whole. It’s complicated because it’s easy and hard at the same time. Because we’re both a little broken and relationships are hard. Because we can’t have each other but we can’t let go either.

I don’t know how long it’ll be complicated for.. I wish I could say forever but you and I both know that’s not true. I didn’t know I’d be waiting it’d be complicated on our first date, all I remember is this feeling this thing that I can’ explain. Beneath the stars, in the middle of the street, you kissed me and it’s been complicated ever since. Maybe the saving grace is that we’re in it together, trying to figure it out and not being discouraged when we take four steps forwards and one step back. Complicated means we haven’t given up, that being undefined is worth the time it takes to build something solid, and real.