Either you’re a small child who’s in it for the candy and little cartoon V-Day cards you give out to everyone in your class or you’re in a newly formed couple and let me just say this for everyone – you are the worst. Otherwise, single people LOATHE Valentines Day, and, true story, so do the many many long term couples who dread it because it is a holiday created for boyfriends to feel inadequate and girlfriends to feel like their boyfriends don’t love them enough.
St. Patricks Day
You’re probably not fully Irish but someone, somewhere down the line may have been (you’ve never looked to confirm) and you’re pretty pale, so you’re probably an 1/8 Irish decent at least. You like that on this day you get to feel superior about having the inside scoop on where all the local Irish pubs are and green beer is like your fuel. Doesn’t hurt that you look awesome in green and you like to pinch people.
Besides the religious undertones to this holiday you also enjoy hiding things in plastic eggs and watching your cousins search everywhere for it. Suckers. You probably start eating those damn Cadbury egg things once the Valentines Day decorations come down and odds are you’re kind of a big deal at your local church youth group.
You’re a mom, obviously. You try to act like it’s no big deal that you BIRTHED A HUMAN BABY OUT OF YOUR VAG, but you secretly like that you can use that to guilt all your children into calling/visiting you on this day and bringing you presents because of it. Additionally it’s the only day of the year where it gets to be all about you and there isn’t anything anyone can do about because as a mother you have made countless sacrifices and… blah blah blah it’s not Mother’s Day today so no use in continuing this charade.
You’re probably a Dad or you have a really awesome dad because this is literally the most laid back holiday in all of creation. It usually involves steaks and baseball, and no one gets mad at you if you don’t bring them a present. You then proceed to eat all the food, ask Dad for money and then bail, because Dads get it (you left MOST of the beer so, there’s that).
4th of July
You’re secretly a pyro maniac, but it’s on the DL ever since that summer you and your best friend set the neighborhood cat on fire (by accident, sorry!). You probably don’t have a summer birthday and this is as close as it gets for you. You love BBQ’s and beer and big gatherings of people you haven’t seen since this time last year. Oh and if you live in a large urban city this is your excuse to leave it for the closest body of water place you can drive too.
You have loved this holiday since you were a kid. Every year you won the costume contest at school and then would gorge yourself into a pre-diabetic coma from then until Christmas (Snicker’s don’t go bad do they?). Now that you’re a grown-up you still like having the most “original” costume so that you can show all your co-workers how hip you are with useless pop culture references. You also have developed really good arguments for how you hate how slutty Halloween is nowadays while actively trying to score some action out of your super original and timely costume. Oh, plus you still really like candy.
You’re an American with all capital letters. You love your family, football, and capitalism (I’m talking about Black Friday here people). Your mom/aunts/grandma are probably the best cooks around and you have learned to bring enough Tupperware to live off of turkey and cranberry sandwiches until at least New Years. You also love that going home for this holiday means seeing all your old high school friends and subsequently acting like you’re all still in high school by getting drunk in other peoples car and then trying to sneak into your room without anyone asking why you were out past curfew (jeez mom, I’m 24!).
I’m going to take a wild stab in the dark here and say you’re Jewish. You use to love how envious your friends would get that you got to celebrate for 8 days straight, thus pretending that you got a huge gift every day when in reality it was more like socks, candy, and stuff you never asked for with one huge thing that you did ask for and knew was coming. Now you just like that your parents cut to the chase and just write you a check. Easier for everyone.
You cute little snow angel, you! You love it all – the whole fucking Christmas season. You love everything about this holiday, the Eggnog, the tree, the presents, the snow, the presents, the music, and did I mention presents?! You start singing that dreadful Mariah Carey song as soon as the last turkey slice is cut and surprise surprise you actually own It’s A Wonderful Life and/or A Charlie Brown Christmas on DVD. You’re probably also a great giver of presents and relish the moment when someone opens a gift without even looking who it’s from and then looks at you with a “it’s perfect” speechless look on their face. Merry Christmas!
New Years Eve
You saucy little minx! You probably love parties because you’re always the life of them and what’s a bigger party than New Years Eve? You probably go too big – Vegas, San Francisco, Cabo (because, why not) and you surround yourself with enough friends so that you get drunk but not embarrassingly drunk (you still have to kiss someone at midnight). You look good all dressed up and for a moment, before you lose yourself in a champagne induced fog, you make a mental resolution to get more done in the next year and act your age. But then it’s 2 am and you’re screaming wildly out of a limo sunroof and that’s all forgotten because you’re too busy having the time of your life.