1. Is this really happening? Like, is this real life?
2. I feel like I should have prepared everyone more for this. Why didn’t I write a family wide memo called Things You Shouldn’t Say At All Ever To Anyone I Ever Want To Sleep With?!
3. Please don’t make any of those terrible jokes you usually make. Please don’t make any terrible jokes.
4. I’m not nearly drunk enough for this.
5. Am I talking really fast, because I honestly feel like my heart might explode from anxiety.
6. No he/she hasn’t heard the “insert embarrassing childhood story here” yet. Yes, of course, now – right in front of me would be a great time to tell it!
7. Oh goody, pictures.
8. Why are they asking him/her questions I know I’ve already told them the answers to? THIS IS NOT AN INTERROGATION!
9. He/she seems to be handling this so well, I’m so glad they don’t think my family is crazy.
10. My family is crazy.
11. How can I make an excuse for us to leave without seeming like I’m trying to escape from a hostage situation?
12. If they bring up my ex, I will have to disown them.
13. Nope, even worse they asked if they see themselves having kids in the future. Nice. Real nice.
14. I’m pretty sure smiling with your eyes widened is the universal signal for “shut the fuck up” – no?
15. It’s sweet that they care enough to meet this person I’ve been raving about for a while now? I know they just want me to be happy.
16. I hope they like him/her.
17. I hope she/he likes them.
18. They’re inviting him/her back again, that’s a good sign.
19. He/she just squeezed my hand and said “I like your family”, wow. Wow.