1. “Can we go to Dunkin’ or something? I need breakfast.”

What is it with east coasters’ obsession with round, carb-loaded foods for breakfast?! If you want to see a New Yorker flip out on you, suggest that a bagel isn’t even really a breakfast food — you will quickly regret everything you’ve ever said, ever. I love the Patriots as much as the next girl (no, I take that back, I love them more because I love the Patriots A LOT) but to be honest, Dunkin Donuts isn’t even really that good. Yeah, I said it. Not that good.  What, you gonna go all Aaron Hernandez on me?! 

2. “It’s too far, it’s like on the other side of the city.”

… you mean the other side of the city that’s like 10 miles wide? You do know that in a car it will only take us like 5 minutes to get there, right? Even if we take the subway it will not even be half a days trip, I promise.

What is this fear of leaving a certain perimeter of your east coast town? If west coasters never left a 10 mile radius, none of us would ever enjoy Costco. 

3. “It’s not even that cold.”

Just to be clear – anything under freezing (30 degrees) is cold. I’m sorry, we can be dressed in the cutest Burberry pea coats and Ugg boots to match, but that does not hide the fact that when the wind hits your face in a skyscraper city, it’s beyond bone-chilling.

Stop pretending you don’t want to go inside ASAP like the rest of us — it doesn’t make you look tougher, and midwesterners think you all are pansies anyway when it comes to weather. 

4. “No, I’ve never been to ‘insert major east coast attraction here’”

Really? You’ve never been to the Statue Of Liberty? Never? Like not even on a field trip? Do you know how many times I’ve been to the Golden Gate Bridge? Like a million, because it’s the fucking Golden Gate bridge –  it’s a national monument!

West coasters don’t care about looking like a tourist, as we’re not above liking things that are actually cool. But east coasters? You guys can sometimes be like that kid in school who brags about having never seen The Goonies, as if that’s a good thing. (It’s not, that movie is a classic and you just look dumb.)

5. “Do you have a light?”

Every time I’m back in the south or the mid-atlantic I am FLOORED by how many people still smoke. Maybe because it’s so cold all the time, I’m not sure, but either way it is a stark contrast to west coast life. I know, smoking is everywhere, but I feel like the judgement is different. If you light one up in California people look at you as if you just poisoned your own baby. On the east coast it’s like, “hey, can I bum one?”

6. “Well if you think you know ‘insert really anything here’, we actually invented it!”

Pizza, hip-hop, food trucks, Beyonce (she was created in TX but New Yorkers still claim her as their own for some reason)- you name, and it east coasters will proudly exclaim that not only have they perfected it — but that they, in fact, created it. Don’t try to argue, it’s futile. They would probably even argue that they created bottle water if they had to.

I’m not sure why it’s so important to them that everything in the world originated east of the Mississippi river. Then again, this is a list of things I DON’T understand so…fitting I guess. 

7. “I’m just a defensive driver.”

Nope, you’re a driver who doesn’t obey traffic laws and will probably kill a pedestrian before you’re 35. I have to admit — even though I fear for my life every time I get in the car with one of these select few east coast drivers (I should really say east coast CITY drivers, I had lovely car ride with a fellow from Vermont once, I didn’t grab the dashboard at all), I realize driving aggressively is sometimes the only way to not cause further harm to you or the people in your vehicle.

I just don’t understand why they have to claim that it’s “defensive” driving. Because it’s not, It’s crazy. 

8. “The west coast is just too laid back for me.”

You know what east coasters are proud of? They’re super proud of how tightly wound they are. They wear it like a badge of honor, like they’ve survived some type of war just living there. Sunshine is not the enemy here, people. Come to the light, there’s plenty of room for all of you to learn to drive and not eat bagels for as long as your little heart’s desire.