8 Things East Coasters Say That West Coasters Don’t Understand

Honestly I love you all but I can’t understand any of this.

It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia
It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia

1. “Can we go to Dunkinor something? I need breakfast.

What is it with east coasters’ obsession with round, carb-loaded foods for breakfast?! If you want to see a New Yorker flip out on you, suggest that a bagel isnt even really a breakfast food — you will quickly regret everything youve ever said, ever. I love the Patriots as much as the next girl (no, I take that back, I love them more because I love the Patriots A LOT) but to be honest, Dunkin Donuts isnt even really that good. Yeah, I said it. Not that good.  What, you gonna go all Aaron Hernandez on me?! 

2. Its too far, its like on the other side of the city.

you mean the other side of the city thats like 10 miles wide? You do know that in a car it will only take us like 5 minutes to get there, right? Even if we take the subway it will not even be half a days trip, I promise.

What is this fear of leaving a certain perimeter of your east coast town? If west coasters never left a 10 mile radius, none of us would ever enjoy Costco. 

3. Its not even that cold.

Just to be clear – anything under freezing (30 degrees) is cold. Im sorry, we can be dressed in the cutest Burberry pea coats and Ugg boots to match, but that does not hide the fact that when the wind hits your face in a skyscraper city, it’s beyond bone-chilling.

Stop pretending you dont want to go inside ASAP like the rest of us — it doesnt make you look tougher, and midwesterners think you all are pansies anyway when it comes to weather. 

4. No, Ive never been to insert major east coast attraction here’”

Really? Youve never been to the Statue Of Liberty? Never? Like not even on a field trip? Do you know how many times Ive been to the Golden Gate Bridge? Like a million, because its the fucking Golden Gate bridge –  its a national monument!

West coasters dont care about looking like a tourist, as were not above liking things that are actually cool. But east coasters? You guys can sometimes be like that kid in school who brags about having never seen The Goonies, as if thats a good thing. (Its not, that movie is a classic and you just look dumb.)

5. Do you have a light?

Every time Im back in the south or the mid-atlantic I am FLOORED by how many people still smoke. Maybe because its so cold all the time, Im not sure, but either way it is a stark contrast to west coast life. I know, smoking is everywhere, but I feel like the judgement is different. If you light one up in California people look at you as if you just poisoned your own baby. On the east coast its like, hey, can I bum one?

6. Well if you think you know insert really anything here, we actually invented it!

Pizza, hip-hop, food trucks, Beyonce (she was created in TX but New Yorkers still claim her as their own for some reason)- you name, and it east coasters will proudly exclaim that not only have they perfected it — but that they, in fact, created it. Dont try to argue, its futile. They would probably even argue that they created bottle water if they had to.

Im not sure why its so important to them that everything in the world originated east of the Mississippi river. Then again, this is a list of things I DONT understand sofitting I guess. 

7. Im just a defensive driver.

Nope, youre a driver who doesnt obey traffic laws and will probably kill a pedestrian before youre 35. I have to admit — even though I fear for my life every time I get in the car with one of these select few east coast drivers (I should really say east coast CITY drivers, I had lovely car ride with a fellow from Vermont once, I didnt grab the dashboard at all), I realize driving aggressively is sometimes the only way to not cause further harm to you or the people in your vehicle.

I just dont understand why they have to claim that its defensivedriving. Because its not, Its crazy. 

8. The west coast is just too laid back for me.

You know what east coasters are proud of? Theyre super proud of how tightly wound they are. They wear it like a badge of honor, like theyve survived some type of war just living there. Sunshine is not the enemy here, people. Come to the light, there’s plenty of room for all of you to learn to drive and not eat bagels for as long as your little heart’s desire. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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