There I am, there is my name and some random picture to go with the whole theme of my piece that I most definitely did not chose. This is awesome. I can’t believe anyone else other than my mother thinks this is worth reading. OMG there is my picture at the bottom (note to self, pick a better selfie pic next time) with my funny little 3rd person bio. Wow. Just wow. I should forward this to everyone I know.
2. Post Perfectionism.
Wait, is that a typo?! I meant reign not region, why would I mean region?! Who can I talk to about editing this? Now my Dad’s going to think he wasted his money on my college education. Thank’s for nothing, Arizona State. I mean, just look at this grammar, somewhere in the world an AP English teacher is red penning this entire list furiously. D+ for “Duh, you should have had another person edit it before submitting. Idiot.”
But still, it is pretty good. It sounds like something a real publication would publish, you know, like if the New Yorker took submissions for lists instead of #highbrow pieces. Really, this is a burgeoning issues, I’m really speaking for 20-somethings everywhere with this piece, this is important stuff! I’d totally “like” this on Facebook if I hadn’t written it myself. Good work me! #GoZoe (Shame on you for not getting this reference.)
4. Commenter Monitoring.
Everyone must love this article so lets just read some of the positive feedback/comments here at the bottom….. Why does K Imbored think I’m an asshole?! Wait a second, is my mother going to read these?! (The answer is no she still hasn’t even responded to the voicemail about being published up here in the first place.) Who are these people, and why do they have so much time to start a philosophical debate about *insert really any topic here* on my article? Well, at least nobody mentioned my typos. I should just respond to some of these haters with grace and sophistication saying that I value their opinion and really appreciate their feedback. WTF does that comment say — I’m a baby killer?! Oh hell no.
Maybe I shouldn’t have written about this. I had no idea it would be so controversial when I submitted it. Maybe next time I should write about something more mundane like “10 Ways To Know You Have Oily Hair”. What a waste. I should just stick to tweeting, that’s way less emotionally upsetting. I don’t even really think this is my best work, I really wanted to write about something else but this is what got published instead. Now everyone thinks I’m a selfish attention whore who has no idea about the really struggles of depression/love/life/marriage/abortion/traveling/adoption/rape. Ugh.
You know what, I don’t care, it’s probably already on page 10 by now anyway. I tried. It doesn’t even bother me that none of my friends have congratulated me on being publish. Internet fame is overrated anyway. It’s whatever, all good writers at some point have to become unattached to their writing, right? I’m pretty sure that’s true.
Well, you know, it’s out there now. It wasn’t that bad really, haters gonna hate no matter what. Honestly, I didn’t really write it for everyone else, I wrote it for me and for that one person who might actually read it and find a relatable experience from it all. Some people will love it, some will hate it, and most won’t even care or know who you are — that’s the life of being an online writer. Then you remember why you do it and what good things come from it and you, maybe foolishly, will keep doing it until the only thing you ever feel after being published is happy, which is how I feel right now.