Snickers

Solid, trustworthy, always there when you need him and exactly what you want him to be. He’s tough enough to stand up to you when you’re moody or irrational, but soft enough to understand that you’re human, and therefore are going to make some mistakes. He’s the high school sweetheart you could definitely see yourself marrying if your lives both stayed on the same track (and you were never introduced to European chocolate during study abroad).

Milky Way

Similar to Snickers, but lacking that essential substance that made him such a perfect counterbalance to your personality. Milky Way is nice, always polite to your parents, relatively funny, and the kind of guy to always pick up the check at dinner. But at the same time, there is always a weird voice in the back of your head that doesn’t feel totally satisfied when you’re with him. You always have one foot out the door, and find yourself occasionally drunk-dialing Snickers to tell him you’ve been thinking about him.

Sour Patch Kids

Sour Patch Kid is the guy you were with in college when your whole life was a party, and you didn’t care about things like having a hangover four days in a row for class, or eroding all your tastebuds on sour sugar. Your relationship is definitely not going to last, mostly because both of you weren’t fully formed adult humans when you met, but you might still call each other every now and again for a little sour nostalgia.

Three Musketeers

He’s the nice guy who is just so sweet, and wants to make you happy, and treat you well. You know he’s better for you than so many other guys, but you just can’t help but pity him a little bit. He’s so eager to please and soft, and one call from Snickers (or even Milky Way) would be the end of him, and he knows it.

Candy Corn

Candy Corn is addicted to meth and tries to have sex with your sister.

Nerds

He’s the fun, exciting guy you hang out with whenever you guys are in the same town, and even though you know that you could never make it work long-term, there’s just something about him that makes you want to pick up the phone when you see that he’s going to be around. He’s the guy who will show up at your door with a bottle of wine and be like ‘let’s sneak this into a movie,’ and then take you to a hole-in-the-wall dumpling place you’ve never heard of for a late dinner. But he has serious commitment issues, so his spontanaeity and magic get exhausting after a while, because you know there will never be anything more behind it.

Reese’s Cups

He’s the one guy you dated who was so out of your league it almost felt like a practical joke that he was with you. He was that lawyer Miranda went out with, so perfect in every way that it just seemed impossible that a real relationship could work. You were constantly nervous around him, because you knew you couldn’t live up to the “perfect you” you felt you needed to portray at all times. When the relationship ended six months in, you almost felt relieved, if only because you didn’t have to be on your A game at all times anymore.

Raisins

Raisins are the guy you dated when you were at your lowest, just after Reese’s left you for an Instagram model. You never felt any real attraction to him, but you knew that he was technically good for you, and he treated you like a goddess because you were so out of his league. It only lasted a few months, and somehow you felt worse about the whole Reese’s situation when it was all over.

Starburst

Starburst is the guy you end up with, the one it all comes back to. There’s just something about him, the perfect balance of fun and tang and comforting familiarity. Yes, some days he’s more yellow than pink, but ultimately seeing him around is always a welcome thing. He’s the one you want to come home to, the one all your friends can agree on. He’s not as crazy as Nerds or as hot as Reese’s, and that’s what’s good about him. He’s not the perfect candy, but he’s the perfect candy for you, and that’s what matters.