Snickers
Solid, trustworthy, always there when you need him and exactly what you want him to be. Heās tough enough to stand up to you when youāre moody or irrational, but soft enough to understand that youāre human, and therefore are going to make some mistakes. Heās the high school sweetheart you could definitely see yourself marrying if your lives both stayed on the same track (and you were never introduced to European chocolate during study abroad).
Milky Way
Similar to Snickers, but lacking that essential substance that made him such a perfect counterbalance to your personality. Milky Way is nice, always polite to your parents, relatively funny, and the kind of guy to always pick up the check at dinner. But at the same time, there is always a weird voice in the back of your head that doesnāt feel totally satisfied when youāre with him. You always have one foot out the door, and find yourself occasionally drunk-dialing Snickers to tell him youāve been thinking about him.
Sour Patch Kids
Sour Patch Kid is the guy you were with in college when your whole life was a party, and you didnāt care about things like having a hangover four days in a row for class, or eroding all your tastebuds on sour sugar. Your relationship is definitely not going to last, mostly because both of you werenāt fully formed adult humans when you met, but you might still call each other every now and again for a little sour nostalgia.
Three Musketeers
Heās the nice guy who is just so sweet, and wants to make you happy, and treat you well. You know heās better for you than so many other guys, but you just canāt help but pity him a little bit. Heās so eager to please and soft, and one call from Snickers (or even Milky Way) would be the end of him, and he knows it.
Candy Corn
Candy Corn is addicted to meth and tries to have sex with your sister.
Nerds
Heās the fun, exciting guy you hang out with whenever you guys are in the same town, and even though you know that you could never make it work long-term, thereās just something about him that makes you want to pick up the phone when you see that heās going to be around. Heās the guy who will show up at your door with a bottle of wine and be like āletās sneak this into a movie,ā and then take you to a hole-in-the-wall dumpling place youāve never heard of for a late dinner. But he has serious commitment issues, so his spontanaeity and magic get exhausting after a while, because you know there will never be anything more behind it.
Reeseās Cups
Heās the one guy you dated who was so out of your league it almost felt like a practical joke that he was with you. He was that lawyer Miranda went out with, so perfect in every way that it just seemed impossible that a real relationship could work. You were constantly nervous around him, because you knew you couldnāt live up to the āperfect youā you felt you needed to portray at all times. When the relationship ended six months in, you almost felt relieved, if only because you didnāt have to be on your A game at all times anymore.
Raisins
Raisins are the guy you dated when you were at your lowest, just after Reeseās left you for an Instagram model. You never felt any real attraction to him, but you knew that he was technically good for you, and he treated you like a goddess because you were so out of his league. It only lasted a few months, and somehow you felt worse about the whole Reeseās situation when it was all over.
Starburst
Starburst is the guy you end up with, the one it all comes back to. Thereās just something about him, the perfect balance of fun and tang and comforting familiarity. Yes, some days heās more yellow than pink, but ultimately seeing him around is always a welcome thing. Heās the one you want to come home to, the one all your friends can agree on. Heās not as crazy as Nerds or as hot as Reeseās, and thatās whatās good about him. Heās not the perfect candy, but heās the perfect candy for you, and thatās what matters.