1. Message dozens of girls on dating sites with the exact same opening message in an attempt to start conversation. Do your hands not feel dirty hitting copy + paste a hundred times on the same corny pickup line?
2. Invite random girls in the bar to your bro’s party in the private room so they can drink on your open bar and are basically obligated to talk to you.
3. Wear those low-cut v-neck shirts (or, worse, the scoop neck ones that show way too much collarbone). We get it, you have a chest.
4. Send unsolicited dick pics. And they never look that good anyway, because men do not understand the concept of angles, let alone know their own.
5. Demand to get a girl’s number in the bar/club and actually text her right there to make sure it isn’t fake. If that isn’t the thirstiest possible act I don’t know what is.
6. Distribute the same dick pics to different girls.
7. Immediately go from “complimentary” to “ridiculously insulting and slut-shaming” the second a girl doesn’t respond to your advances.
8. Wear those grey sweatpants. You know the ones, sluts.
9. Put their hair in man buns. Show me a guy in a man bun who isn’t a total sloot and I will show you a samurai.
10. Grow out their beard with the specific intention of ~appearing hot and masculine~. No one wants to make out with a brillo pad filled with crumbs.
11. Get weirdly into beard care as a “sexy” subculture.
12. Peacock about their knowledge of craft beers, special whiskeys, and bitter-ass cocktails. No one is impressed by your ability to drink things that aren’t sweet.
13. Call their ex girlfriends ‘crazy’ in an effort to impress the new girlfriend. If all of your exes are crazy, that might be a cue for you to look in the mirror.
14. Try to get a girl home on the first date, and then get incredibly passive aggressive/dismissive towards her when she decides to go home instead.
15. Wear the “going out to pick up chicks” ensemble of jeans, a striped button-down shirt, and a blazer.
16. Travel in packs with the bros to more efficiently corner women in the bar/club for the purpose of securing sex.
17. Facebook message random girls with “hey ☺” and “hi” at random intervals, just in case one of them actually answers.
18. Walk around with little dogs in an effort to pick up chicks. Whose dog is that?? WHOSE DOG IS THAT?!?
19. Take the squinty-eye, furrowed-brow, “sexy” selfie that Trey Songz and Justin Bieber specialize in.
20. Talk about “cuffing season” in a serious manner.
21. DM random hot women.
22. Comment unbelievably desperate/creepy/vaguely threatening things on hot female celebrities’ Instagrams.
23. Take Shirtless workout selfies taken in a bathroom mirror with either an iPad (the tragic cookie sheet of photography), or an old smartphone. Note that the bathroom has not been cleaned, the counter is full of odds and ends, the mirror is spotted with hard water, and the toilet/toilet paper are in full view of the photo. This is the desperation and gritty sluttiness of the male thirst selfie.