Suspicion and bitchiness towards new friends who are brought unexpectedly into the mix.
Nothing will throw you off your game like going to hang out with a BFF and hearing, last minute, that someone else you don’t know is coming. (Or showing up and finding them there, with no warning at all.) It’s just… a violation? It feels like a personal aggression against you/your friendship, and there are two options for how it can go: Either they’re super cool and you’ll feel envious/hateful because that means their other friend is cooler than you, or they’re super uncool and you’ll hate being around them. And the worst part is you won’t even be able to talk shit about them after, because it’s their friend. (Though you might be a little petty and make bitchy comments while slightly drunk. Maybe.)
Unbridled anger when they don’t find something funny that you think they should.
We all know the intense awkwardness when you show someone a YouTube video that you think is hilarious, and they just do not Get It. (Or God forbid when it happens with an entire movie, and you have to spend two hours hating everything/wanting to just turn the movie off entirely because their humorless ass doesn’t deserve to watch it.) But there is a special rage for when you show a bestie something you know they will love, and their reaction is lukewarm at best. You just want to yell at them! How could they betray you with their half-hearted “lol”s and condescending “it’s cute”s?? No. Best friends must find your favorite things funny, or nothing is right with the world.
Constant need to talk shit with them about everything that is happening around you.
Basically you’re in a never-ending gchat/text session with your bff that starts the minute you wake up and doesn’t end until you fall asleep with your phone on the pillow next to you. And to be honest, at least 30 percent of that constant chatting is shit-talking, often about the thing that’s going on in the gchat/text window next to you (a dangerous game, if there ever was one). And on the one hand, having someone to constantly bitch about life with is nice, and gives you a realease-slash-sense of belonging, but on the other hand, it’s kind of turning you into a monster.
Unusual biterness when they cancel on plans.
Yes, you get sad when anyone flakes on you, but there is a particular betrayal that comes when a best friend cancels on plans. You’re torn between wanting to cry and wanting to yell at them, and take it way more personally than when anyone else does it, and even though it’s totally irrational, them getting sick somehow feels like a slight against you. And you take offense to it.
Potential-employer-like impulses towards potential significant others/spouses.
Who are they? What do they do? What is their facial hair situation, and do they have that immaculate beard that basically signifies “asshole?” What are their intentions with your best friend? Why are they wearing that one J.Crew shirt? Are they funny? Do they get her the way you do? Do they have a diversified investment portfolio and comprehensive retirement plan, in case anything happens to the bestie and she needs to be supported unexpectedly?? These are the things you know when someone is trying to steal her away, and you will not settle for half-assed answers.
Desire to include them in all of your life changes.
The big difference between, say, “getting healthy” and “getting healthy when you have a best friend,” is that you’re basically incapable of going it alone. You’ll constantly get on them like “hey come on you should be my workout buddy!” or “why don’t you try this insane new diet I found on Pinterest at 3 AM last night, it looks soooo good.” And it’s not that you can’t do it alone, it’s that you don’t want to, and besides, you’re going to be talking about it too much for them to not try it anyway.
If one of you is doing a wardrobe overhaul/closet purge, the other is, too. If one of you is redecorating your whole apartment, so will the other. If one of you is attempting veganism for approximately a week and a half, you’re in it together. It’s just the way it goes.
Irrational jealousy over social media with other friends.
You don’t want to admit it, but you’re scrolling through Instagram and you see a picture of your bff hanging out and having a ~grand ol time~ with some friend you’ve never heard of and you’re immediately like “Who is this trollop? Get away from them. Come back to me, where you belong. How dare you.” It’s not a good look, sure, but you can’t help it.
The constant urge to dance in a profoundly unsexy/uncool way.
You know you’re with a best friend when you are constantly doing incredibly weird/unsexy dances for no reason, and feel 100 percent free to be the fool you are when listening to your favorite songs. You don’t have to worry about seeming cool, and quite the opposite, something in you has an urge to just bop around in a crazy way. And they always join in with you, because it’s contagious.
Extreme anger when they don’t immediately respond to your texts/calls/gchats.
Basically you go from “Hey” to “Hello?” to “…” to “Bitch come back I need to talk to u” to “I’m sorry I shouldn’t have called u bitch but get back here” to “Fine bitch I don’t even want to talk” to contacting them via another medium of communication (if you’re gchatting, you’ll take it to text) to be like “seriously where the hell are you get back.” Them not answering your chats is a personal offense, and is treated as such.
Desire to party on a Monday night, for no reason, just cause you’re hanging out.
Any time the two of you hang out, it’s dangerous, because you just have that good a time together that it’s impossible not to turn it into something ~saucy~. One minute, you’re just getting together for a chat and a tea after work on a Tuesday, the next minute the two of you are having vodka sodas and buffalo wings at a bar downtown and Instagramming the whole affair within an inch of its life. You’ve probably ended up doing karaoke at 2 AM the night before a huge school/work event, and even though you regretted it the next morning, you never regret it in the long term, because it’s always the best time ever.
Desire to correct them on their own history because you know their life better than they do.
At the end of the day, nothing says “bestie” like knowing their own history and life better than they do. You can correct them on details about that thing they did in high school, or the food they really like better, or the movie the two of you watched on your laptop in the park that one night. You’re like a backup hard drive for their own memory, and have a tendency to correct them on things that they themselves lived through. You don’t mean it in a bad way, you’re just that connected, and want to make sure they get the timeline right.