1. Few things stress you out quite like seeing the Super Type A Career Girls in the subway who are wide-awake, perfectly styled, and carrying their heels in their purse while sipping on a latte. All of the things they took the time to do in the morning are things you crossed off your mental list one-by-one as you lay in bed, hitting your snooze button again.
2. When people at work are humblebragging about how busy they are, and how much stuff they have to do, you feel obligated to pretend to also be really busy, when really your weekend plans consist of “watching TV” and “maybe going to that one bar three blocks from my house that I always go to.”
3. Signing up for a pre-work gym class is an idea you can’t even pretend to entertain. Waking up at 5 AM so that you can break yourself emotionally on a stationary bike, knowing that a full day of work is ahead of you, sounds like absolute torture.
4. When people are like “omg it’s so great, you have so much energy the rest of the day!!!!” you’re just like okay, have fun, more room in the 6 AM pilates class for you.
5. Multiple times a day, you alternate between “I have so many career goals, I have so many things I want to do in the next five years, I am going to Lean In so hard I’ll be completely horizontal” and “I’m just gonna make enough money to live a happy life, with some leftover for travel.”
6. You love your job, but there comes a certain point of stress where you’re like “I’m not going to sacrifice my mental health for this shit.” Like, you receive an email at 11 PM on a Tuesday from someone who has clearly sacrificed their quality of life, and you’re like, enjoy waiting for a response until 9:30 tomorrow morning.
7. You will never be the first person in the office, and you’re okay with that.
8. It stresses you out when people come in way before 9 AM, super chipper and asking you tons of questions. You don’t know how to be like “Please don’t talk to me, I’m still mostly asleep, and I need to read at least three pointless articles before I can talk to anyone.”
9. Your general reaction to really tedious work is “Let’s delay this until the very last minute, where I am absolutely forced to do it, because I will never find the motivation for it otherwise.”
10. You have completed an incredible number of unrelated tasks in procrastination for one really boring task that you’ve been avoiding for a week. You will re-organize your entire workspace before you’ll fill out an Excel spreadsheet, if it’s an option.
11. When it comes to work-related events, your first question is not “Are there going to be people there I should meet?” or “What are the important things to prepare?” Your first question is “Will there be food, and if so, will it be good?”
12. Sometimes, when you’re in the presence of Super Type A Career Girls, you get that feeling of being the loser at the lunch table of a bunch of popular girls at high school. They just exist on a different plane, and you will never be on their Kate-Spade-tote-with-matching-leather-agenda level of perfection.
13. Few things make you happier than finding out an early morning meeting has been cancelled, and that you can go back to sleep.
14. Work is sacred, but so is Thursday Happy Hour.
15. You have been known to avoid someone when you know that they are trying to find you and dump a completely lame task on you. When they get a hold of you, it kind of feels like being found in hide-and-seek as a kid.
16. When you go on vacation, you turn off completely, no exceptions. Even if someone is suspecting you to be halfway available, you do your best to push that guilt out of your mind and just relax.
17. Sometimes you’re not sure where “lazy” ends and “really appreciative of a good work/life balance” begins, but you know that you’ll never be the super motivated person who learns to sleep for four hours at a time so that they can make the most of their work day, no matter how much you love your career. A fulfilling professional life is important to you, but to be honest, so is a solid eight hours of sleep.