1. Meeting a new person.
Professional You: “What do you do? Oh, wow, that’s awesome. Yeah, right now I’m working a lot, too. It’s great, I honestly love it, and I really feel like this is the time to be throwing myself into my work. Plus I still have a good amount of free time, I’m actually thinking about joining a class a few nights a week.”
Basic Bitch You: “Heyyyyyyy girllllllll, what do you do? SIKE WHO CARES. Jk I care. But seriously let’s not talk about work because if I think about it for one more minute I’m gonna kill myself. I work seven trillion hours a week and then in my spare time I check my email because I hate myself!! Hahaha. Anyway, your hair is great. *Lovingly plays with her hair* What product do you use? Same. I love you, once we get out of this bathroom line we should be best friends forever. Let’s do a shot, new best friend!!”
2. Going to the bar.
Professional You: “Let’s hit a happy hour after work! I’m tryna be naughty and get some tacos and ritas ;)”
Basic Bitch You: “If I don’t grind on at least three dudes in rolled-up sleeve button-down shirts and do the Cha Cha Slide and/or the Dougie, someone needs to put me out of my misery. Also, does anyone have a purse big enough to fit sandals in that is still cute to dance with? I can’t be wearing these shoes for more than two hours. Also, question: Are we too old to be pregaming, because those drinks are 12 dollars each and momma has bills to pay.”
3. On a Sunday.
Professional You: “Who is up for brunch?? There is this great new farm-to-table place that I read about this week, we should see if they take reservations! Then we should hit the flea market, I really want a new end table.”
Basic Bitch You: “Just Google ‘bottomless bloody marys’ and then pick the one that has at least 3 stars on Yelp and isn’t over 25 bucks.”
“DON’T YOU FUCKING TOUCH THAT EGGS BENEDICT I HAVE TO INSTAGRAM THE WHOLE TABLE, I’LL FUCKING CUT YOUR FINGERS OFF.”
4. At the office.
Professional You: “Got my coffee, got my bagel, nothing can stop me! I’m gonna kick Monday’s ass, and then I’m gonna go eat lunch so I can get some fresh air and be fully refreshed for the afternoon. Gotta stay on my grind if I want that promotion!”
Basic Bitch You: *Listens to “Fancy” by Iggy Azalea 42 times in a row whilst sending important emails.*
Professional You: “Time to go to Banana Republic and/or JCrew and pretend like I can afford the non-sale stuff by walking past it in a dignified manner and occasionally looking at 100-dollar skirts as though I’m really considering them, before heading to the sale section and picking up four sweaters.”
Basic Bitch You: “This is the summer of crop tops. I’m talking crop tops at brunch, crop tops at work, crop tops to take my grandmother to church. I’ve gone long enough hiding my stomach, I’m hitting Forever21 and purchasing every last four dollar and fifty cent crop top they have. [Note: This is the actual price point of Forever 21 crop tops.] Then I’m gonna hit Sephora and get some fake eyelashes for my annual “attempting to apply fake eyelashes for a night out, throwing them away, swearing off fake eyelashes for another year” event. Lastly I’m gonna go to Aldo and get some ‘You can buy me a drink, but only if it’s Grey Goose, heyyyyyyyy’ heels with the gold tips.”
6. On social media.
Professional You: *Shares a link to a really refined, thoughtful New York Times article that both demonstrates the fact that you read said article, and have the kind of good taste to share a trend piece about people teaching their children Mandarin to stay competitive in the job market.* “Highly recommend this piece. An important read!”
Basic Bitch You: *Secretly obsesses over Kylie Jenner’s Instagram and reblogs at least 5 fitspo recipes from weheartit, 50 percent because you might make them some day and 50 percent because a rudimentary part of your brain believes that simply looking at images of healthy food will somehow make you healthier.*