1. They don’t sweat.
Well, maybe they do. They probably do, in some secret, double-bolt-locked Sweat Cellar they have had custom built in their apartments. But never have I once crossed a Lululemon-clad Yoga Girl holding her purple mat and touching up her messy bun who had the giant, u-shaped abstract sweat paintings on her top. If anything, there is a dewy “exertion mist” that gives them a glow, but never flop sweat. And I am envious.
2. Their workout clothes are cuter than my actual clothes.
There is a feeling at the gym when you are wearing some ratty tank top you got for free at a pool party five years ago and black capri pants, and you pass by a gaggle of Yoga Girls wearing varying shades and cuts of adorable, coordinated yoga gear, like an athletic Destiny’s Child. That feeling is the same one you got when you were in high school, wearing the pants your mom got you at JC Penney’s and your braces, and you passed the table of girls wearing Abercrombie t-shirts under Juicy Couture sweatsuits. It’s an unparalleled moment of profound uncoolness, and frankly, no one needs to be wearing shit that cute to stretch in.
3. They travel in packs.
Which makes anything more terrifying, frankly.
4. Their social media presence is on another level.
Have you ever been sucked into a Certified Yoga Girl k-hole on Instagram? Lemme tell you, it is transcendent. One minute you casually hit the “explore” button and are recommended a particularly well-framed shot of a bowl of fruit, next thing you are scrolling back two years’ deep, looking at pictures of elaborate poses done in front of a snowy window, wearing thematic baby-blue leggings. It’s a whole other world of athletic and aesthetic coordination
5. They are super intense about yoga, which is supposed to be fundamentally chill.
Every time someone has tried to convince me to go to a yoga class, it’s been under the pretense of being a totally chill, laid-back, non-judgmental environment where you can be yourself and make mistakes. But let’s be honest, for some people, yoga becomes a super-intense competition ~*~fOr WhO cAn bE tHe MoSt YoGaLiCiOus~*~, and most fully embody the yoga lifestyle. And frankly, a competition for being spiritually aligned whilst drinking coconut water and getting tattoos of dots and lines is something that stresses me out deeply.
6. They actually seem to enjoy foods that are objectively gnarly.
Green juice is a government conspiracy, and few things upset me more than people who choose to play into the charade by pretending it’s not totally gross. Like, drink it for the health benefits if you must, but no need to go around trying to convince people that you’re enjoying the process. It’s an unnecessary lie that does not need to be perpetuated, and it should not be part of the entry to the International Yoga Girl Association.
7. They are the Mormons of workouts.
Even if they’re not directly saying anything, you can just feel the “join us, we have the answers, come be our friends and hear the Good Word” vibes radiating off of them. If you could only join them in their tan yoga bunny-hood, all of your problems would magically melt away, and your Instagram would become a blur of green juice and well-defined thigh muscles. Just let them into your living room to slap the pizza out of your hand and show you down dog. Just for a minute.