1. The one who can pull off ‘casual chic.’
For me, few things more perfectly define someone’s overall level of togetherness than their ability to make a messy bun look effortlessly elegant. There are some women who pull on a loose tank, a skinny jean, leather ballet flats, and a stylish tote, and top the whole thing off with that ethereal french-braid-meets-bun, and they look like an editor at French Elle. And then there are those of us who put on the exact same ensemble, and get asked five times in two hours if we had “a long night last night.” There is something inherent in the texture of the hair — and the pore-free dewiness of the skin — that enables “casual chic” to be a thing, while the rest of us are stuck with “undersexed suburban mom.”
2. The ‘fitness is a lifestyle’ girl.
Look, I force myself to eat healthy and work out sometimes. But it’s essential that we put the emphasis on ‘force,’ because at no point is it ever something I truly, fundamentally enjoy. And yet, there are girls who rock the athletic messy bun — a close cousin of casual chic — and who derive actual, tangible pleasure from making positive choices for their body. They get up and “go for a run.” They drink green juice, and eat slices of fruit arranged just-so atop their oatmeal. They wear adorable sports bras with yoga pants because they are ABOUT that flat-stomach life. And sometimes they take gym selfies which you happen to scroll by while eating Captain Crunch out of the box in your bed, and you can’t even hate them, because what would that do? They are full of endorphins and Omega 3s, your petty jealousy only makes them stronger.
3. The McMansion basic who enjoys every second of that shit.
It doesn’t matter what you think about her arriving late with Starbucks, because she has a grande iced green tea latte now, and you don’t. She makes her Pinterest boards for herself, not for your petty judgment. She dreams of a cushion-cut diamond and a Yorkie she’ll name Winston and the Sex and the City box set is prominently displayed in her living room, even if she doesn’t have a DVD player (but she probably does, specifically for that very box set). Sometimes, when she’s sad, she lights a Dyptique candle and exfoliates her face with the products she bought from Birchbox last month. And her name is Allison.
4. The Professional Princess.
She rides the train with a book in hand, and no matter how packed it gets, no one is going to get between her and her reading time. She is a master of Excel sheets and responding promptly to emails. She goes to efficient breakfasts before work. She has one of those classy leather purse-briefcase hybrids and a blazer from Club Monaco. And most importantly, she is always at some sort of chic happy hour or after-work event, because she knows that ~*~networking is half the job~*~. She’s not tired, because she derives her joy and her purpose from doing her best every day. And if she beats you out for a promotion, you honestly can’t even hate, because she deserves that shit.
5. The conservative girl who has been rewarded by the world at large.
You knew her in high school where she was conservative and vaguely cruel and wore ribbons in her hair. You became Facebook friends (because of course), and now are able to follow her trajectory well into her mid-20s. She got engaged at 23 to her college sweetheart, married at 24.5 (in a ceremony in Charleston, SC, or town of similar proportions), and after putting her anthropology degree from LSU to use for approximately 15 months in a low-pressure office job, she appears to have stopped working because she has to maintain the house they have just purchased. She posts annual photos where everyone is wearing matching polo shirts, and announces her pregnancy with an ultrasound and a thank you to Jesus in her Facebook status, and generally coasts through life on a gentle cloud of conservative untouchability. Like, her politics are terrible, but she still wins in this life. All of your bitter screencapping of her ignorant comments about marriage equality are nothing in the face of the white Jeep she just purchased to do her Galleria shopping. Also, her daughter is named Kaylynn.
6. The artsy girl who somehow pulls it off.
She wears high-waisted cutoff jean shorts and round sunglasses and translucent button-downs. Her hair is somehow always that perfect level of wavy. Her sundress game is executive-level, and her artsy selfies are untouchable. She is the sole purchaser of all those completely whack shades of lipstick that you see at Sephora and are like “who the fuck wears turquoise lipstick?” and she looks good in it. Her job titles include “minor Tumblr celebrity,” “performance artist” and “???” and she is the fever dream of every guy with the Macklemore and a full beard. She’ll be paying off art school loans for the rest of her life, but she’ll look flawless doing it.