1. Marc Anthony
There’s no way I could write a real article about certified corpse hotties and not start with Marc Anthony, aka Latin Jerky, aka Tim Burton Presents Salsa Heartthrob, aka Yung Skeletor. Between his butter-smooth voice, his impeccable collection of open-shirted suit looks, and the strangely compelling dark circles around his eyes, he defines the freshly dead sex appeal. No one touches him in mummified hotness.
2. Matthew McConaughey
Matthew McConaughey seems to have dried out recently, and become a sinewy, chewy version of his lush former self. And that’s not to say I’m opposed — I like a good methiness about a guy, it takes what is otherwise a boring, run-of-the-mill pretty boy, and makes him strangely intriguing. More Meth McConaughey!
3. Adrien Brody
Adrien Brody has always had his cadaverous charm turned up to 11, and I am a fan. He doesn’t look so much freshly dead as never alive in the first place, this ethereal in-between space of cheekbones and sculpted facial hair and that nose that is so wonderfully, distinctly crazy. He is a hot ghost from some other, dignified era, and he floats through this life with spooky ease.
4. Steve Buscemi
First of all, if you don’t think Steve Buscemi is a certified hottie — then, now, forever — get the fuck out the club. Buscemi is hot in this way that makes you question everything you ever knew about life and love. And beyond this, he has the sunken look of an apple core that has been left out for a while and is now an excellent Halloween decoration. A Halloween decoration you want to make out with.
5. Michael Fassbender
Some of you will argue that Fassbender’s body fat percentage is simply too high to be counted on this list, and that’s valid. But his deeply sharky quality — the weird, shifty toothiness — has so much in common with the Corpse Hotties. It’s a very evil look, like something out of an experimental European animated film. He is the re-animated body of a hottie that was betrayed in a former life.
6. Dave Chappelle
There is something about Chappelle’s very essence that is zombie-like. He’s a lean, stringy man, bounding around on stage with the wiry energy of a horror movie vaudeville puppet. That, combined with his complex, troubled relationship with the all-consuming media, make him a figure less like a comedian, and more like a hot, undead Humor God.
7. Johnny Depp
What is there to say here, except to say that Johnny Depp has done so many Tim Burton films as to have become a Burton character himself, and soon he will be nothing but a benevolent, singing skeleton, jangling around town covered in decorative scarves and bracelets.
8. Russell Brand
Let me start this by saying that my attraction to Brand is the cause of profound shame in my life. Yes, he looks like the member of the regionally successful indie rock band that gave a bunch of high schoolers HPV, and yes, his politics often sound like an Upton Sinclair novel as interpreted by an articulate 10th grader. But there is something so wonderfully corpsey about him, with that hair that looks like what you might find on a perfectly-preserved mummy. He is a turn-of-the-century circus performer reanimated to yell at you about the Koch brothers and look smelly. And I’m into it.
9. Snoop Dogg
Young Snoop Dogg has the most perfectly realized evil corpse look — it’s truly that of some ancient king who died at 25 and was sent into the afterlife looking eerily fabulous. And the pigtails only add to the effect.
10. Macaulay Culkin
So I don’t know if Culkin still qualifies as a hottie, but we can agree that around his cadavery peak (I’m thinking ’02-’06), he definitely had the skeleton hotness down to a science. There was something distant and strange about him, like at any moment he could just calmly stab his interviewer and silently give himself up for arrest. I don’t know the machinations that go on behind that look, and frankly I don’t want to know, but I know that they’re hot.