1. The “asleep by 7 PM.”
A controversial brand of day drinking, this is the early-to-bed scenario that has some of us saying “Awesome! I got to party and I get to wake up refreshed at 7 AM the next day!” and some of us saying “I did not work all week to spend my Saturday in bed at 7 PM.” And it’s a hard line to walk, but once the setting-sun sleepies begin to take over your day drunk body, nothing can stop it. It’s like the turbo version of a nap, and if your body has decided it’s time for bed, there is no way you can continue drinking into the evening.
2. The “I’m fine, let’s go run some errands.”
Is there anything more disorienting than attempting to run midday errands while day drunk? You leave a three-or-so bloody mary brunch with the full intention of going to fill a prescription, drop off dry cleaning, and possibly buy some new sheets, and you end up stuck wandering the aisles of Walgreens like you’re on mushrooms, unsure of where you are or why you came here, spending 30 minutes considering the pros and cons of buying Walgreens-brand peanut brittle. You don’t even understand that you’re day drunk, you just suddenly think that normal daily tasks are impossibly complicated, and all you want to do is lay down somewhere.
3. The “suddenly die-hard sports fan.”
You’ve never watched soccer in your life, but suddenly it’s 4 PM and the entire bar is screaming and you have transformed into some sports-obsessed monster that can only communicate in cheers, angered cries, and orders for more beer.
4. The “saucy grandmother.”
Perhaps the best level of day drunk, this is when you have 2-3 sparkling/pink/fruity cocktails in you, and you are just trying to comment on the hot guys walking by over the top of your oversized sunglasses while saucily fanning yourself. Everything is perfect, and as long as someone goes to fetch your purse while you continue to make judgmental comments on the outfits of passerby, you could stay doing this all afternoon.
5. The “actual illness.”
It’s a mistake we all make, no matter how many times we should have learned our lessons. It’s blazing hot and sunny outside, you’re trying to get a little color, so you hang out in the sunniest spot you can find while consuming alcohol and no water for hours on end, until 6 PM rolls around and all of a sudden you have the symptoms of a serious flu and can no longer stand up. It’s the Day Drinking Sickness, and it’s a deadly combination of caipirinhas, dehydration, sun poisoning, and the inability to go inside and drink a glass of water like a god damn adult every hour or so. You’ll spend the night simultaneously shivering and sweating in your bed with a brutal headache, but hey, at least you will have gotten some color!
6. The “I’ve had seven meals already and it’s not even dinner.”
A frequent consequence of day drinking is unhealthy day eating, and none of us are too good for the occasional “Ahh, it’s 5 PM, and I have had a full brunch, frozen yogurt, two hot dogs, some waffle fries, and a quarter of a watermelon.” And if you’re still hungry, don’t worry, that’s 100 percent normal.
7. The “I’m on a boat!”
You’re not actually on a boat (or maybe you are, but if you are, God help you). You’re just near some sort of body of water/dock/above-ground swimming pool at your friend’s house, and all of a sudden some otherworldly force grips you and it’s “WHOO POPPING BOTTLES WOLF OF WALL STREET LIVING IT UP.” There is something about being in proximity to water that makes all day drinking not only permissible, but deeply mandatory. Water drinking is an art form, and we are all capable of being masters of our craft.