1. DJ Unnecessary Email.
Wiki-wiki-wak, yo! It’s DJ Unnecessary Email! Any and all hours of the day, there they are, ready with a two-page-long screed about something that could have been summed up in a sentence, ideally spoken out loud like a human being. But no, they couldn’t do that, because writing unnecessary emails is THE VERY SOURCE OF THEIR POWER. With each irritating buzz of your phone, they grow stronger, and their personal database of inconvenient abbreviations and pretentious business speak-y sign offs expands. They can’t be stopped. Get ready for “internal memo I sent that no one read last week,” THE REEEEEEEMIXXXXXX.
2. The Calorie Pusher.
It’s not that everyone in the office is on a diet, but if any of us were, we would definitely be fucked, because The Calorie Pusher’s way of showing affection is by bringing in the most deeply unhealthy, deeply tempting food items possible on a multi-weekly basis. Oh, look, they brought donuts! They made cupcakes! They went two miles out of their way to the French bakery downtown at 6 AM to bring everyone fresh croissants! How are you going to say no? Are you a monster? Of course not. Eat the monkey bread.
3. The Human Headphones.
No one even really knows if this person has a voice, because they don’t speak. They don’t interact. They just listen to their headphones, at what often appears to be a physically dangerous volume. Sometimes they’ll take them off to go to the bathroom or something, and everyone will be bombarded with brutal European electro that seems loud enough to be coming out of actual speakers. Let’s all have a candlelight vigil for their eardrums tonight.
4. Captain Caffeine.
Someone should probably tell them that they should cut down on the coffee, and that their personality around 4 PM ends up being something like “underweight whippet on adderall,” but no one will get near them, for fear of being screamed at. When people make those memes about “NoT bEfOrE mY cOfFeE,” they are talking about this person.
5. The One Who Is Getting Married
No matter what she was like before, her personality between the day she receives that ring and the day she actually walks down the aisle is boiled down to “I’m getting married, please sit still and listen to me talk about it.” Somehow everyone in the office has become a substitute member of the wedding party, and we’re all familiar with the intimate details about the planning of the ceremony. On the bright side, sometimes she brings in cake samples from the tasting she went to.
6. Gender Norms Greg.
Someone should tell Gender Norms Greg that it’s no longer 1961, because he seems to have a hard time grasping the concept. He’s not an outright ass, of course, because that’s no longer acceptable. But he does demonstrate his vintage sense of gender norms in more subtle ways. He’ll ask the female employees when they’re getting married. He will shake dudes’ hands, and not the girls. He’ll call you “sweetie” without realizing he’s doing it. And, even if your job title is nowhere near “secretary,” you will — on more than one occasion — be tasked with highly secretarial things to do. Come on, you’re good at that stuff, you’re a girl!
7. Microwave Abuser.
Can they smell? Do they have a nose? Is this all intentional? None of this has been officially confirmed. But what we know is clear: They insist on microwaving fish Lean Cuisines (????) for minutes upon minutes, while every plant in the office slowly wilts from the smell. They also enjoy putting items which have a tendency to explode while being heated, such as bowls of soup which leave hilarious, Pollack-esque splatters all over the interior of the machine. Microwave Abuser, from whence comes your cruelty??
8. Excessively Cute Girl.
It’s not even just that she’s way cute in the face — and she is — it’s that her whole aura is cute. She’s always wearing the freshest JCrew-Banana Republic-Club Monaco ensembles, the perfect mix of “professional” and “feminine.” She has cute notebooks, a cute phone case, cute laptop bag — shit, even her handwriting is cute. And the worst part is, she’s really nice! You can’t even dislike her, because she’s just great at everything, and remains totally chill about it. And you catch yourself, at least twice a day being like, “that is so cute” as you creepily ogle her fucking adorable Moleskin.
9. The Pep Rally President.
We all know that interacting as team members is important, but no one understands that concept quite like The Pep Rally President. They are constantly in everyone’s grill about the work happy hour, or the upcoming bowling night, or passing the hat to get something nice for someone’s birthday. They enjoy making handwritten invitations, and following up in everyone’s emails about the social calendar, and calling a bunch of restaurants on their own time to find who will give the best deal for an end-of-project celebration. Whatever industry they are working in now, they were definitely an event planner in another life.
10. The Mystery.
There are so many questions about this person — who are they? Where did they come from? Where do they go at night? They just appear every day in the office, usually very early, and leave around the same time at night. Hardly a word uttered. No divulgence of personal life details. Never brought around an SO. They remain a total enigma to the office, and everyone just secretly assumes that they live in a small, futuristic pod somewhere on another floor of the office building. That said, they do their work with the efficiency and humility of a particularly animate robot, so it’s not like anyone’s complaining. You’re the real hero, Mystery Employee, and you’re fighting the Good Fight.