1. Constantly updating the “Relationship Status” option when they go through couple troubles.
Why would you do this? Why would you subject yourself to the constant appearance in Everyone You’ve Ever Met’s news feed with either a break up or a reunion? I mean, I’ll be honest, I think putting up a relationship status of any kind on Facebook is kind of setting yourself up to gain nothing at best, and be humiliated at worst, but that’s just me. (Nothing like announcing your divorce via the same platform where distant relatives share insane political memes, amirite?) But if you want to put it up there, fine. However, once you’ve established that you are one of those couples who bReAkS uP tO mAkE uP about four times a month, why make it everyone’s business? Does Facebook really need to be the Journal of Record for every time you engage in fiery makeup sex? It’s better to just leave that field blank, honestly.
2. Getting in fights via comments.
Is anything more awkward than watching a couple have an argument via comment on an unrelated post? (Actually, yes there is, and I would say that watching them tenderly make up via the same comment section is worse, because at least there’s some decent schadenfreude in the fight itself.) But honestly, when people just go buckwild and have a full-on fight about something that clearly transpired offline underneath the photo of a mutual friend at a party, why is there not some Internet Police that parachutes in through their window and removes their keyboards? (Although there is something kind of refreshing about full-on couple insanity on Facebook, like the people you knew in high school who now write detailed statuses about how their husband never takes them out to dinner anymore and takes pictures of their children with an empty pack of Marlboro Light 100s lying on the ground next to them. At least their crazy is right out there, while we are trying to squirrel all of ours away with good Instagram filters.)
3. Like-harvesting via relationship-related posts.
Am I the only person who is deeply unsettled by the random pictures/statuses where it’s like “Hubby came home with a surprise bouquet today after THE LONGEST DAY at the office, and it just reminded me how lucky I am to have a man who takes care of me like this! Love my beautiful flowers!! #Hubby”?? I mean, like, I get it, but why? The only two possible emotional reasons behind this kind of thing are “parlaying the act, or mere existence, of my significant other into HELLA FUCKIN LIKES,” or “reminding everyone that I am #beloved, #blessed, and #beautiful.” And it’s honestly hard to tell which is more indicative of underlying problems.
4. Putting each other in their Twitter bios.
If your Twitter bio says “Married to [@whatever]!!!” or, WORSE, “And [@whatever] was crazy enough to marry me!” you are the grown-up version of the kid who would raise their hand on a Friday afternoon, right before the bell rang, and remind the teacher that she forgot to give the homework. Know that.
5. Joint Facebook profiles (for themselves, or their offspring).
You know what? If you’re going to choose to do this for yourselves, fine. Everyone makes fun of you, but I think you kind of know this, and maybe you even have some weird mutual fetish where you get off on doing cornball things like starting joint profiles for your engagement news. That said, don’t put this on a child. Don’t make a mutually-run Facebook where you post nonstop photos of an innocent human being and even *makes cross motion* give it a weird voice where it makes status updates about mommy and daddy taking it to Applebee’s, or cleaning its poopy diaper. Please, please don’t do this to a child.
6. Turning an engagement into a months-long media blitz.
I don’t know about you guys, but right now I am smack in the middle of about eight different Social Media Engagement All-Night Charity Bonanza Telethons, and there’s no classy way to be like, “I am so happy for you but we don’t need a play-by-play breakdown every time you go to the calligrapher’s.” There are people who should be privy to all these saucy details, and those people are called your family, or at least the people who are actually going to be attending your wedding. We all know that everyone hates being a bridesmaid, and it’s because other people’s weddings are expensive, and its planning is tedious. But the payoff to having to listen to all these things is that they get a party at the end of it with free booze and cake. Almost none of your Facebook friends get this. So post the picture of your ring, then maybe one or two of the wedding itself, harvest your 500 likes, and save the director’s cut for people who are forced to be interested.