A notebook. Any Grown Woman knows that when you start keeping a notebook, keeping a pen, and writing important things down, your whole life transforms into something so much more organized and classy. It’s the best three-dollar investment you can make.
One piece of furniture that is not from IKEA. It doesn’t have to be big. It doesn’t have to be expensive. It just has to make it so that when a newcomer is scanning your place, smugly thinking to themselves, “Hah, okay, IKEA sample apartment,” they stop when they get to that chic, decidedly non-IKEA end table and silently ask for forgiveness for ever judging you as 100 percent basic. How dare they. You are 98 percent basic, 2 percent antique store three blocks from your house.
A painted wall. Does anything transform an apartment from “Just squatting here until the wind blows me somewhere else” to “Welcome to my safe space” quite like a coat of colored paint? All you need is an accent wall, it will do the talking for you.
Healthy breakfast supplies. I say this as I prepare to have a giant bowl of Captain Crunch while standing at my kitchen counter, so take it with a grain of salt, but healthy breakfast supplies are important. Kashi granola bars? Chic. Hardboiled eggs that you keep ready for when you’re running out of the house? Classy. Greek yogurt and fresh fruit? Erotic.
Healthy breakfasts are an enormously important marker of success, and of Grown-Womanhood.
White fabric of some kind. It can be white bed sheets (may the odds be ever in your favor), or it can be white jeans. It can even be a white button-down. But something white and fabric conveys that essential “I can go through my life without destroying this” essence that is crucial to adulthood.
A set of dishes and glasses. They can be mason jars if you want, I’m not here to judge you. Just make sure, if you are serving five people at the same time, you aren’t handing out three Disney-themed Welch’s jelly glasses, one Dixie cup, and a shot glass. Grown Women have a set of Burgundy glasses.
Something that inspires her. It doesn’t have to be a full-on, I-Maintain-A-Pinterest-Account-In-My-Actual-Life inspiration board. It can just be a picture of somewhere you want to go, or a person you admire, or the job you hope to have one day. Something to get you going.
Lush products. “Oh, my God, I LOVE Lush. Have you tried their bath bombs?” – The mating call of the Grown Woman.
A table to effortlessly throw your mail/keys on. Does anything make you feel like quite as put-together an adult as walking into your apartment, sighing heavily after a long, fulfilling day, and tossing your mail and keys effortlessly onto some kind of desk/end table situation?
Decent Pajamas. Sometimes you can slum it in your cringeworthy Six Flags-airbrush high school graduation tee shirt. But sometimes you need to be at least a little presentable in your nightwear, and that calls for cute pajamas.
A First-Aid Kit. Band-aids. NyQuil. Tylenol. Neosporin. Tums. Tampons. Maybe even some gauze, if you’re prone to injury. These should all be at your disposal, because you will regret it the moment they are not.
Checks. You don’t know why you have them. You don’t even really know how to fill them out, and you’re pretty sure no one actually accepts checks. But this isn’t the point — the point is that you are a big girl who owns checks, and should the need ever arise, you are ready to fill them in.
Photos of her BFFs. A Grown Woman always remembers where she came from, and that means the girls who loved her even when she was constantly getting corn stuck in her braces at summer camp and/or shoplifting Wet N Wild cosmetics from CVS.
A book somewhere near her bed. Whether you’re actually reading it, or just like to leave it lying casually on your bed for when guests come over so they get that “I’m an intelligent person who reads biographies while lying in bed at a reasonable hour” vibe, you need a book by your bed. Make sure it’s the most casually impressive one you own.
Candles. Your candle game is not on point until you have a candle for every emotion, every professional or personal issue, and every color scheme. Candles are a Grown Woman’s best friend.
Tea Roses. Nothing takes you from Struggle Bus to Lisa Vanderpump quite like a small bouquet of tea roses. LOOK AT THEM:
Matching bra and panties. Maybe they’re your “time to get me some D” panties. Maybe they’re your “I need an extra boost of confidence during this job interview” panties. Regardless, you need that matching set (preferably in black lace) somewhere in your nightstand to take your whole life to the next level.
A tea kettle/water boiler. You’re an adult. You have refined tastes. You boil quantities of water at your discretion to make tea for yourself and your distinguished guests. Because let’s be honest, nothing makes you more refined or interesting than having a good tea collection. It’s like the little black dress of maturity.