21 Signs You Are Unhealthily Obsessed With Mad Men

I accept that I have a problem. I embrace the fact that I have watched every Mad Men episode upwards of six times each, even if I know that probably speaks poorly of my priorities. But it’s time that you, too, accepted your problem. In anticipation for the upcoming new season, the 21 most pressing signs that you are sick with the Draperitis.

1. The words “Ken Cosgrove” have almost become a sore spot for you, as he is simultaneously the most criminally underused character and the ONLY person on the show with a full soul and a genuinely loving relationship. You have often thought of forming the Ken Cosgrove Appreciation Society.

2. You have experienced so many emotions with Pete Campbell that you need a Pete Campbell Feelings Wheel to properly identify them. Or a Pete Campbell Mood Ring.

3. On more than one occasion, you’ve caught yourself thinking, “Maybe I should just take up smoking. It would probably make me cooler as a person.”

4. The actor who played Joan’s husband, as wonderful and decent a guy as he may be in real life, is forever kind of ruined to you for what he did to Joan.

Mad Men
Mad Men

5. By the time Peggy actually stabbed Abe, you were like, “Yes, good, stab that awful man and his awful fu manchu.”

6. You’re not sure how many Mad Men-themed parties your friends are willing to tolerate, but you’re not going to stop holding them anytime soon. (Maybe they won’t have to dress up this time, but you’re still serving martinis and old fashioned finger foods and playing Bossa Nova.)

7. If you really think about it, Don is actually your least favorite character in many ways.

8. Joan and Peggy smoking and complaining about the role of women in the office is one of your biggest cultural touchstones, and makes you happier than nearly any other scene in the show.

Mad Men
Mad Men

9. The show has informed your personal style than you would ever be ready to admit, even though everyone can totally tell when you’re having one of those Channeling Betty days.

10. Betty is kind of objectively a cyborg bitch, but DAMN can that bitch dress. You just want to watch her smoking cigarettes and being playing the Emotional Withholding Game all day. (Also, when she used Don for sex, you all but brought the pom poms out and started cheering.)

11. Even though, on some level, you know these people are fictional characters, you can’t help but find yourself feeling genuinely concerned/distressed about their personal lives. (But WILL Joan and Roger finally find happiness? WILL THEY???)

12. You have caught yourself singing “Zou Bisou Bisou” on more than one occasion.

Mad Men
Mad Men

13. It seems unreasonable that “celebratory 10 AM cocktails” have not become a ritual at your office, and you want to celebrate your achievements from now on by inviting people over to your desk for some room-temperature Stoli, à la Roger Sterling.

14. As much as you’ve disliked Pete in the past, you can’t help but feel bad at how mercilessly they’re taking his hair away. Like, come on, we get it. Don’s premonition about him being a middle manager with a little bit of hair was accurate. We get it.

15. You have briefly considered getting “NOT GREAT, BOB” tattooed on yourself somewhere while drunk.

16. You didn’t really want Teggy to be a thing at first, but when he led her on and then broke her heart like that, you may or may not have thrown something at your television.

Mad Men
Mad Men

17. You feel irrationally informed on the subject of advertising, and imagine that you could walk into any big agency and just start a powerhouse career with the knowledge you’ve acquired from watching this show.

18. One day you hope to get to a Bert Cooper lifestyle where you can just kind of shuffle around in socks, saying vaguely threatening things to people and buying Rothkos.

19. The day you found out Mona and Roger are married in real life, you audibly squealed.

20. Nothing would make you happier than doing acid with Roger Sterling.

Mad Men
Mad Men

21. People know better than to start talking to you about the show, because they don’t want to trip that wire and accidentally start you off on a four-hour tirade about how much you hate Harry Crane. TC mark

Chelsea Fagan

Chelsea Fagan founded the blog The Financial Diet. She is on Twitter.

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