1. You’re constantly looking on travel websites. Where other people might be doing work or informing themselves about current events, you’re checking out the hottest deals on Kayak and Airbnb, ready to hop on that plane you can’t afford to hit up that destination you can’t stay in. You don’t have time for this 9-5 world you’re in, even though you have absolutely no functional way to escape it.
2. You know how to make yourself look #prosperous on Instagram. It’s all about how you frame the photo. You have mastered the art of snapping your elegant brunch or stylish new top, all while leaving out the piles of struggle in the background, the overfull laundry baskets and IKEA particle board furniture. Your Instagram is a funhouse mirror of your life.
3. A general attraction to fake jewels. One day, you will have one of those mid-aughts rapper-style jewelry collections, all diamonds and baubles and your own name written out in jewels — but for now, you’re not letting your total lack of funds stop you from achieving that aesthetic. You want the Bunny MacDougal look on a Carrie Bradshaw-circa-pawning-Charlotte’s-engagement ring budget.
4. You listen to the Clueless soundtrack more than is acceptable. Something about it makes you just feel so cool and above all this shit, riding around in your nonexistent Jeep and talking on your shoe-sized cellphone. You’re gonna be a supermodelllll.
5. You choose to drink various non-alcoholic liquids out of a big, fancy wine glass. When in doubt, pour your juice into one of those giant, attractive wine glasses that makes the super satisfying clink sounds when you cheers with them. You don’t have to be doing anything important, you just need to up your lounging-around-the-house ambiance with a little bit of unnecessary stemware. (I drank a chocolate milk out of a champagne glass with a bendy straw yesterday, and it was in my top-5 2014 decisions.)
6. You listen to Mariah Carey’s “Obsessed” whilst walking down the street wearing sunglasses. “Why is everyone so obsessed with me??” you think, pulling up your collar and adjusting your sunglasses, as absolutely no one looks at you and you step in a piece of chewed gum.
7. When you’re bored, you browse real estate that you couldn’t afford in 10 lifetimes, AND you get judgey about it. “This villa on Sotheby’s in the south of France, pff. Talk about overusing exposed stone. I’ll be taking my 3.2 million elsewhere, thank you very much!”
8. Your inner millionaire tends to come out after a few drinks. Once you get past those first two glasses of Chardonnay, it’s time for the Monopoly Man/Mr. Peanut that lives within you to clean off his monocle and start throwing up 100s in the air. Who wants a drink? Everyone! It’s on you! You have unlimited funds! (Basically the only way your “pricey” nights out make sense is if you were going off the grid the next morning to live in the Appalachians and reject paper money for the rest of your life.)
9. When it comes to lounging, you are an expert. You know how to put on some sunglasses, break out a book, and just exist for hours on end. Going to the beach for you is not about flopping around in the water like a plebe, it’s about staying on the shore and sighing exaggeratedly when the wind blows a few grains of sand get onto your towel.
10. You know A LOT about things you can in no way afford. You can spot luxury cars, designer shoes, and bottles of wine worth thousands, even if you’ve never been physically in the same space as any of them.
11. You hit the vintage store for your Don the Magic Juan style cues. You love fur coats, luxurious silks, and extravagant accessories, but most of them come from vintage stores at the steep, steep price of 30 dollars. Your flawlessness comes secondhand, but it comes nonetheless.
12. You frequently identify as being “over things.” Even if putting on a puffer coat, walking to the subway, and sitting on it for 45 minutes to get home isn’t the most sexy exit, you make sure to hair flip your way out of there because you are 50 shades of done with this party.
13. At least one item in your closet is seersucker. Come summertime, you are attending garden parties and Sundays out on the boat, even when you’re really just holding your head in your freezer because your air conditioner is broken.
14. You have used the word “summer” as a verb. “Ah, yes, this year I’m summering in my old room at my parent’s house, and maybe a week or two at my friend’s apartment in Rehoboth. We’ll see, I haven’t committed to anything yet.” *Sips tea gracefully*
15. You have big plans for a wedding. You’ve already picked out your calligrapher for your invites, even though right now your theoretical budget is “Facebook event notification.”
16. You have memorized the crucial sales like nothing else in your life. When JCrew does 50 percent off the sale price of its online store, you take the day off of work. If the sale weren’t virtual, you would be the person on the news who is going to jail for trampling another shopper in the melee.
17. You just kind of assume you’ll somehow become rich. Things will just come together for you, and you’ll come into great wealth. The universe will work this out for you, all you have to do is stay #positive and keep #RisingAndGrinding. And taking deceptive pictures along the way.