1. Cute clothes.
It’s important to clarify here that there is such a thing as Time To Get Me Some D outfits, and there is nothing wrong with them. If you’re wearing a skintight American Apparel sideboob dress, and looking to collect some numbers and/or free drinks for it, good for you. But the vast majority of “cute” clothes are done for one of three reasons: 1. Precious Instagram likes on OOTD pics, 2. An approving glance from other girls, 3. The wearer’s own enjoyment. Cute clothes and D-getting clothes have nothing to do with one another for the most part.
I have spent an unfortunate amount of money on fierce-looking nails over the past few months, and am constantly met with the counterpoint of “You know guys don’t care about that, right?” I would finish this sentence but I must go retrieve my eyeballs, for they have rolled out of my head and across the floor to the other end of the room.
3. Elaborate hairstyles.
*Moonwalks into the room* No one is doing victory rolls or a beehive to please a man. *Moonwalks out silently while staring you directly in the eyes*
4. Sky-high stilettos.
There are certain shoes that serve certain purposes, from the professional to the comfortable to the practical. But then there are the shoes that harvest passionate “Ooh, girl, those shoes are adorable” from the other girls in the club. And those are the most valuable shoes of all.
5. Experimental makeup colors.
“You look like a clown,” a hater hisses upon seeing your turquoise eyeshadow. “I look like a mermaid,” you respond, flawlessly.
6. Vintage clothing and jewelry.
If you have ever been extremely excited about the jeweled brooch and fox fur coat that you got for only 80 bucks, you know that it is a joy that exists wholly within the self. A good day of vintage shopping is one of the most personal pleasures out there.
I would say that the average ratio of thong-wearing is 20 percent to look hot for someone, 80 percent to prevent Visible Panty Line, which is well-known for ruining even the sturdiest pencil skirt and/or silk charmeuse dress. VPL has nothing to do with men.
Right, because wanting to stay healthy for proper heart function and endurance is ludicrous — the only reason to suffer through an elliptical is for the approval of the gross men grunting by the free weights.
9. Steaks and whiskey.
Yes, technically this one isn’t about beauty or style, but it still belongs on this list. Every woman, upon ordering a steak or a whiskey (or, God forbid, the two of them together) has been asked at least once in a not-totally-unserious way if she’s “one of the boys.” No one is trying to impress you by eating a bloody steak, bloody steaks are delicious. And even though whiskey and I have had to part ways because it is the devil’s juice, I can totally get how someone would love it for what it is. Get over yourself.
10. Short hair.
My favorite thing about when a woman cuts her hair short is the immediate chorus of “DON’T YOU KNOW YOUR DICK-GETTIN DAYS ARE OVER, GIRL??” Short hair a hanging offense in the Court Of Looking Hot To Random Straight Men Everywhere.
11. Expensive bags.
If the idea was to attract male attention while carrying our various items around our lives, we would likely put them in a hobo bindle made of underwear and poke them in the face with it while out running errands. We are more than aware that expensive purses are not sexy, we do it because we want to look flossy as fuck and have other girls be like “I love your bag, oh my god.” That’s it.
12. Yoga pants.
Yes, yoga pants make your ass look good. You know what else they do? They basically allow the wearer all of the comfort and flexibility of pajamas/sweatpants without looking like the world’s saddest college freshman. They’re the best. (And also — GASP! — sometimes you work out in them.)
13. Matching lingerie.
I’ll admit that sometimes the matching bra and panties is about getting the D, but most of the time it’s about feeling like a put-together, classy adult woman who can conquer anything and has a secret source of confidence just under her clothes. The best business deals get closed when the executive’s lingerie game is untouchable, it’s just a fact.