1. The 23-year-old PR intern named Cara with shiny hair who only wears J Crew, Club Monaco, and, when she’s slumming it, GAP.
2. The guy who just got a job on The Hill and finds a way to work the words “The Hill” into two thirds of his sentences.
3. The consultant (83 percent chance he works for Accenture or Booz Allen Hamilton) named Chris who lives in Arlington, and wants to talk about his new entertainment center and/or couch.
4. The foodie (either best friends with a chef or a chef himself) who is going to corner you to talk about how the restaurant scene is really coming to life in DC, and how it’s going to be better than New York in five years.
5. The 25-year-old named Emily who works at Intermix in Georgetown and is very aware that she is in the top 10 percent of attractive people in this city.
6. The George Washington student who hands out a business card that says “Sophomore, George Washington University, Political Science” as a means to hit on someone. (This is a real person. This really happened, in FUR nightclub no less.)
7. The girl with the pixie cut and the minimalist tattoo who only talks about bike lanes.
8. The two guys having a fight about whether or not you need to own a car in this city, who are absolutely never going to convince each other.
9. The frat boys who have somehow escaped M Street and are yelling at the bartender to get them shots of Jagermeister while wearing matching blue button-down shirts and khakis.
10. The girl who is getting a Master’s in urban planning and has a lot of feelings about Whole Foods.
11. The person who is a third-or-fourth generation DC-er and rightfully glares at nearly everyone who walks into the establishment with a blazer.
12. The 22-year-old named Logan who wears blazers unironically.
13. The low-level public servant who is absolutely positive that his job is going to get him laid.
14. The 48-year-old divorcée named Michael who attends every salsa class on K Street religiously and insists on dancing with every pretty girl under 25 at least three times per night.
15. The 42-year-old communications director named Carol who has no fucks left to give and is sitting at the bar drinking the most high-alcohol drink they have and staring at the television.
16. The person who only talks about how they want to leave DC, and how great the city they came from was.
17. The person who only talks about how fucking fantastic DC is and how it is the next great American city.
18. The server at a restaurant like the Old Ebbitt, who is full of secrets about politicians and will give you the dirt if you get enough whiskey in them.
19. The intern who has not yet been broken.
20. The 27-year-old conservative named Samuel who is ruining his stunning good looks with his unbearable opinions on reproductive health and gay marriage.
21. The 29-year-old liberal named Nathan who wants you to follow his Twitter, because that is where all the real stories are being broken.