1. The all-American hot guy.
We’re talking the Chris Evans, well-muscled, maybe-not-so-bright-but-that’s-okay, perfectly American hot guy. Maybe he served in the military, maybe he has a couple of guns, maybe he has an anti-Obama bumper sticker on the back of his F-250, but none of this is important. What is important is that he spends most of his time with his plaid shirt unbuttoned and his blonde hair slightly tousled, and that you don’t ever get into a political discussion.
2. The sensitive, slightly greasy hot guy.
Somewhere between the lead singer of the All-American Rejects and Adam Levine lies a guy with a five o’clock shadow, a glass of whiskey on the rocks, and a metric ton of feelings. Arguably the most dangerous hot guy, he is likely to lure you in with his endless, pleading eyes, and turn you away when he starts sleeping with your best friend and/or writes a song about you and performs it at your favorite coffee shop’s open mic night. Also, he has a chest tattoo that is significant in a religion he does not belong to.
3. The foreign hot guy.
Maybe he’s French, maybe he’s Argentinian, maybe he’s Portuguese. It’s hard to tell. All you know is that it’s 2 AM in a dive bar in a new country and you’re on vacation and none of this counts except making out with him as you dribble a bit of Belgian beer down his back. He will be gone in the morning.
4. The “nothing below the surface” hot guy.
Essentially a Channing Tatum type, he’s the hot guy who seems to have been constructed by scientists to be hot and nothing else. He very well may be illiterate, and you would never know, because the conversation never extends past talking about the weather and gurgling while you stare at his bare chest. There’s no depth here, but there doesn’t need to be. Sometimes, life is not more complicated than a midnight screening of Magic Mike.
5. The vaguely evil hot guy.
We’re talking early-season Scott Disick, the hot guy who seems like he might have murdered someone in his lifetime, and would definitely be a ruthless railroad tycoon if this were turn-of-the-century New York. He has a penchant for suspenders, cigars, and being openly disdainful of anyone who isn’t an equally wealthy white man. Good for hate sex.
6. The “forbidden fruit” hot guy.
He’s taken, and you’re pretty sure that this fact alone comprises 90 percent of his hotness. He’s the kind of hot that you’ve worked into pretzel-like contortions in your mind, deciding in an almost intellectual way that he is hot and you must have him. In reality, he probably looks like Steve Buscemi.
7. The geek-in-the-streets-but-likely-freak-in-the-sheets hot guy.
Maybe he’s not literally Jeff Goldblum, but he certainly has all of Goldie’s most crucial qualities. He’s smart, and befuddled, and seems to be constantly cleaning his glasses, and misplaces everything BUT THE DICK.*
8. The “I could take him in a fair fight” hot guy.
He’s all spindly and sickly looking and reminds you of the French royalty who would never stop bleeding if they got cut and had to be shielded from the world at all costs in order to survive. But what he lacks in tissue mass, he makes up for in mysterious worldviews and diamond-cutting cheekbones. His hotness is just as confusing to you as it is to him, but just go with it.
9. The hot guy who is just a little too hot.
Every so often, you encounter that one guy whose hotness almost brings out a sense of pity in you, because you imagine that there’s no way someone that good looking can function normally in society. He must be constantly getting harassed, or asked to promote people’s products, or given honorary doctorates at prestigious universities for happening to walk by the campus. And plus, what would you do if you actually landed such a hot guy? Just sit in the corner and look at him and hope he doesn’t move? He is the King Midas of hotness, and he is simply not meant to be touched — especially not by mortals like us.
*I’m sorry, Grandma.