As much as I enjoy the street rat manipulating his way into a royal family, and watching a villain with aggressive facial hair hang out with Gilbert Gottfried, I think we can all agree that the high point of this whole thing was Jasmine. Just watching her be bored around the castle and following her around the streets of Agrabah was far more interesting than anything the Genie had to say. When she said she was not a prize to be won, we all agreed, and honestly it was something of a disappointment that she got married. It would have been cool just to follow her single life.
How It Should Have Ended:
I think we can all agree that the real-life ending of Pocahontas was pretty bleak, and given the source material, they did what they could to make this be not the world’s most horrifying children’s movie. That said, portraying Pocahontas as though she was suddenly head-over-heels for the ignorant blond man who invaded her village and started shooting indiscriminately is a bit of a stretch.
How It Should Have Ended: She should have given Kocoum a chance, if only because he managed to make the Eve-style titty paw tattoos look good on a man.
The Lion King
The Lion King, a movie notable for giving us a scene that was undeniably the opening 30 seconds of lion porn, has a pretty solid ending overall. Simba takes back Pride Rock, the hyenas are banished to their dystopian cemetery, and all is right with the world. All in all, aside from the life-ruining Mufasa scene that no child should be subjected to, it’s hard to take a major issue with this one.
How It Should Have Ended: That said, it would have been pretty cool to see Scar win, if only because he had this incredibly foppish sense for the dramatic and would likely have turned Pride Rock into some kind of theatre to stage his modernized Shakespeare productions, starring all-Hyena casts. And I would have enjoyed that.
The Little Mermaid
We all know how this goes. Petulant teenage mermaid clashes with her strict, patriarchal father over his refusal to let her walk around on land (even though wouldn’t she die??), she finds an octopus sorceress, and she gets her legs to bag the brooding Prince she saw for about 30 seconds. Meanwhile, the octopus sorceress tries to sabotage this whole thing (because who wouldn’t want to beat Ariel to hot, hot Prince Eric) by disguising herself as a delectably bitchy hottie named Vanessa.
How It Should Have Ended: Vanessa should have married Eric, because they would have had sexy, dark-haired babies, and she would have balanced out his vaguely dumb niceness with her whip-sharp sexiness. They would have been perfect.
Yes, Mulan is an inspiring story of a young woman circa 350 AD stepping in for her father and saving her family’s honor, and all of Imperial China along with it. Yes, it’s a story about bravery and risk and triumph and tiny talking dragons. But it is also a story about a molten-hot military officer with excellent pecs and the buttery voice of Donny Osmond questioning his sexuality as he falls in love with what he imagines to be one of his male recruits.
How It Should Have Ended: Shang coming to terms with his new life (instead of having a “Phew! Dodged that conservative-lifestyle bullet” moment when Mulan took off her bandages), and taking what is clearly a first-rate singing voice on a tour of jazz clubs and cabarets around the Chinese countryside.
Beauty and the Beast
Let’s just give Belle a standing ovation here real quick, because our girl put in the WORK for her D. She had to put up with months on months of some horrible, hygienically-questionable Beast just to get to the hot version of Michael Bolton that we all knew lay underneath. When she kissed him at the end, we were like, “Yes, girl, get yours. You have earned this.” And all of the furniture sprung to life to congratulate her on the top-tier sex she was about to get.
How It Should Have Ended: This is hard to improve on, honestly. The collective catharsis we all got from seeing Belle finally get her hottie is pretty hard to top.
I am all about Hercules. I am about the young boy’s journey to find himself, I am all about the small goat trainer from New Jersey, I am all about Hades (mostly because I am all about James Woods in real life). But above all, I am about Megara. Her style, her sashaying hips, her fantastic purple dress, her inimitable wit — it’s all just so flawless. I could spend all day watching her reject enormous horses and hitting pretty boys with her lustrous ponytail.
How It Should Have Ended: This movie should have just been The Megara Show, where we got to learn all about her sordid backstory with her terrible ex boyfriend, and got to see her go on dates with a string of men who aren’t good enough for her. She would sit, bored, drinking a martini with two olives in it, occasionally mocking them. She could still end up with Hercules, because, um, damn — but we wouldn’t have to spend the hour and a half leading up to that learning about him. It would be Megara from start to finish.