1. Anderson Cooper
First things first, I don’t want any of you dream-crushers to come running in here and yelling at me about his sexuality. His silvery hotness transcends human sexual attraction, and in my version of the universe that I get to write about on Thought Catalog, I could marry him. Anyone could. Because he loves us, and he’s available. Just imagine curling up by some kind of fire and discussing all the various pop culture oddities you love whilst feeding one another chocolate-dipped strawberries and discussing ways to maintain Marie Antoinette-white hair. He would be a perfect match in every way, even if it had to be platonic.
Husband Material Rating 8/10
2. Russell Brand
I know he’s getting a lot of fame right now because of his gratingly articulate interviews, but let us not forget that a mere few years ago, he was rocking that atrocious scene girl hair and prancing around his talkative comedy sets like a Victorian-era dandy on crystal meth. Something about him just screams — aside from “Showering is pretty far down on my list of priorities at this juncture” — “I wouldn’t be an attentive lover.” You can just tell that, while he does make some good points, he likely has the appreciation for his own ideas as a freshman Sociology major wearing a Che Guevara t-shirt. Chances are you’d be left high and dry on many a night while he asks your opinion on his new top hat and laughs at his own, wildly gesticulated jokes.
Husband Material Rating: 3/10
3. Donald Glover
When he’s not talking about fucking bitches, scribbling Instagram confessionals so emo they would make Bright Eyes blush, or professing his blindingly intense fetish for thick Asian women, Donald is actually pretty funny. And it would be in those moments that your marriage would make sense, feel satisfying, and remind you why you did it in the first place. I fear, though, that they may be too few and far between — peppered lightly over his steady diet of degrading puns about jizzing on women’s faces and crying about leaving Community, that it wouldn’t be worth it.
Husband Material Rating: 2/10
4. Jon Hamm
You’d marry him, yeah, but admit it — you’d be acutely disappointed the moment you realized that you weren’t marrying Don Draper, and that Jon Hamm is a real person who cries and poops and puts the milk carton back in the fridge when it’s basically empty. You’d probably regret it.
Husband Material Rating: 5/10
5. Jason Momoa
[Incoherent gargling noises]
Is there some kind of change.org petition we can get together to force George RR Martin to go back in time and keep around Khal Drogo for all the books, because having his gorgeous ass die out in season one was probably the greatest personal loss I’ve suffered since temporarily got rid of the Cheesy Gordita Crunch. Jason Momoa needs to be a part of all of our lives, and say that hot moon and stars bullshit in that fake language while doing it (within the confines of holy matrimony, of course). Can we all just lick his perfect, triangular eyebrows? Ugh.
Husband Material Rating: 10/10
6. Idris Elba
Hop on this train before it pulls into James Bond station, because his sexy-ass stock is only on the rise. And while there is certainly an upside to marrying the guy who flawlessly combines manly man-swagger with refined London gentlemanliness, chances are high that everyone you interact with while be trying to steal him away. Perhaps it’s for the best to just watch the scene where he seduces D’Angelo’s wife in The Wire on repeat, where his desirability can’t hurt you.
Husband Material Rating: 6.5/10
7. Tom Hiddleston
He of the Greasy-Haired-Yet-Hot Loki Order, the Chosen One. It’s hard to really think about what kind of a husband he’d be, as prying yourself away from his limitless blue eyes is like choosing to stop eating a pint of Haagen Dazs when you’re only two spoonfuls in. But something about him tells me that a marriage with him would include a lot of book reading, cuddling, scarf-wearing, and looking incredibly dashing and slightly pointy together. Who wouldn’t want to bear his sharp-edged, blue-eyed children? No one.
Husband Material Rating: 8/10
8. Joseph Gordon-Levitt
While I’m mostly including this to look at a picture of our sweet, sweet bb — big ups, whatgoodwoulditdo! — it’s also important to note this clear-cut case of Hotness Superseding Any Potential Personality Defects. Let’s be honest, even if he was that simp-ass character from 500 Days of Summer, he would still be worth marrying. Even if you had to spend the rest of your life wearing little girl dresses and reassuring him that his stupid drawings were amazing, who gives a shit??? You’re married to JGL, you’ve already won.
Husband Material Rating: 10/10
9. Adam Levine
If that slutty little sex nugget doesn’t cover up that delicious torso and stop smiling at people like he’s picturing going down on you, we’re gonna have to pool our money and put a hit out on him. He just simply can’t continue to walk amongst mortals with such lickable chest tattoos. I would say you should marry him, but let’s be honest, you can’t turn a ho into a housewife. He’s the perfect sidepiece, though. If only there were ratings for that.
Husband Material Rating: 0/10