1. Being able to pull off the thigh-high-sock-with-dress look. Like, I don’t know about you, but there are several problems with this. First and foremost, you better have some sweet thighs that you want to show off in cold weather, which means that — unlike mine — they can’t be a distressing shade of blue, brought on by not having seen the sun in a few months. Also, aren’t your legs cold? And then (and this is the most confusing part) you have to find a skirt that falls to your upper thigh and yet is somehow not constantly showing off the bottom of your ass cheeks. How do people manage this outside of an American Apparel photoshoot?? How???
2. Getting bangs that stay shiny, yet never greasy. Here’s the thing about bangs: you better learn when you have them to carry around a little thing of baby powder at all times, because those things get greasy as hell while the rest of your hair stays dry and frizzy. The idea of maintaining Jessie J-level bang integrity without constantly running off to the bathroom to adjust seems nothing short of preposterous.
3. Enjoying classy, sexy, Mad Men-esque drinks, such as scotch on the rocks. It just looks so cool and awesome and refined, and I’m over here with my Stoli Bluberi and soda like a teenage girl who just discovered that alcohol gets you drunk. It’s the cocktail equivalent of dinosaur chicken nuggets with that purple ketchup.
4. Looking good in babydoll dresses. For the rest of us, it’s just an efficient way to look like you’re shopping exclusively in the maternity section, despite not being pregnant. (Although it usually obscures the form enough to leave one unsure about said pregnancy.) But for some of you, it becomes this adorable little 60s look that goes perfectly with tights and ankle boots and doesn’t at all make you look like a hot air balloon. Not fair.
5. Looking charming in the corner of a coffee shop with a book and a tea. While I am sitting next to you scrolling through porn Tumblrs on the public WiFi and sucking down my third Pumpkin Spice Frappucino.
6. Having a cute, discreet little laugh. That is in no way a roiling cackle-snort, and doesn’t scare people or make them move a bus seat over.
7. Being completely put-together and adorable, pea coat and all, at 6 in the morning on a 20-degree day. It’s not even light out, and she is prancing down the street looking like some Christmas-themed Rockettes musical number from the 1940s. Little riding boots, knitted scarf, flawless makeup, done up hair. WHO IS THAT GIRL AND WHY DOES SHE LOOK SO NICE WHEN THE REST OF US ARE DYING INSIDE???
8. Having a flawless American Girl Doll collection. 24-year-old me is still incredibly jealous of those 10-year-old girls. This one bitch basically had every accessory Samantha ever came with, and I was just like, “Whatever, bitch, you’re going to die alone.”
9. Remaining non-sweaty and put-together on the dance floor. How is it that anyone should be able to dance through five straight Pitbull songs and not have to go to the bathroom to reconstruct their entire face? Like why is that not a fate that all women have to suffer? Why only us lepers whose mascara melts off at the first sign of physical exertion? And don’t even tell me it’s the product because I invested in Diorshow waterproof and even that shit has abandoned me. It’s simply a secret that only some girls will know.
10. Having really nice singing voices. While some of us just sound like a dying horse being stepped on when we try to hit Ariel’s notes — and not even the really high ones. (Also it should be noted that, for the contralto girls, your options in musical theater will pretty much always be relegated to prostitute, witch, or old lady.)
11. Mastering all of that adorable Pinterest shit with grace and ease. They invite you over to their house and they’re like, “I made you some pink lemonade, in these adorable mason jars, with a bit of fresh fruit and a vintage striped straw. It’s served with red velvet whoopie pies and my suffocating air of self-actualization.”
12. Having a vast collection of chic-yet-homey throw pillows. Ugh, just kill me. Put one of those embroidered silk treasures over my face and kill me.
13. Walking perfectly in foot-ruining high heels. Wasn’t part of the deal with Jesus that those things had to hurt you — and put a serious damper on your mobility — in exchange for how adorable they look? Like, why do they get to run around in their Carrie Bradshaw glass slippers and not miss a single beat while the rest of us have to wobble like a 60s flamingo lawn decoration on anything that isn’t a wedge?? I just can’t deal with this. I have to take a break, it’s making me feel bad about myself again.