1. Drink skim milk.
Skim milk is such an abomination. I understand if you’re not trying to get too many calories out of your milk experience, but in that case, just drink a smaller amount of actual milk. Don’t rob the milk of all that is good and real and then insist that it still work for your petty needs. Own your nonsense and pour water on your cereal if you are really that invested in a low-fat version of something that is meant to be fattening.
2. Order dry skim cappuccinos.
Let me just say this on behalf of all baristas, former and current: Stop ordering this bullshit. Skim milk is really hard to foam, and it never ends up nice and creamy anyway, it’s the equivalent of frothing a bunch of white water and hoping the bubbles stick together like rancid soap suds. When you request it “extra dry,” it means a solid five minutes at the steamer to get the most pathetic facsimile of foamed milk that man can create. It’s a bitch drink, stop it.
3. Bring little kids to a fancy restaurant.
I’m sure your kids are great (although, let’s be real, they’re probably not that great), but why do they need to be in a restaurant that people save up months to be able to go to? Why do I need to have my 40-dollar chicken ruined by the knowledge that a seven-year-old three tables over gets to have the exact same chicken as me and throw the majority of it all over the tablecloth? Leave the kids with the babysitter you can so clearly afford, and stop ruining everyone else’s dining experience.
4. Pick up your phone when you get to the cash register.
If you take a phone call when you come up to the cash register — or god forbid, actually hold up the ‘one-minute’ finger to the cashier so you can finish what you’re saying while they try to keep the line moving — you are a huge asshole and I hope you get shortchanged every time you buy something. That is a HUMAN BEING in front of you, not some indentured manservant that you are paying to be at your beck and call while you recount some banal story to your awful friend. Have some respect.
5. Stop at the top of the metro stairs.
What are you looking at? Because a whole line of people is backing up behind you and your ass is about to get pushed right on over like a Weeble wearing a fanny pack.
6. Complain about their commutes at length.
One time my boyfriend saw a pregnant woman and an old lady fight over a seat on a crowded metro, and it’s maybe in my top 10 favorite stories of all time. If your commute does not contain grown women fighting each other or someone hitting an executive across the face with the bike they are carrying over their head, no one really cares. Everyone’s commutes are terrible, no one needs to talk about it at length.
7. Eat plain Fritos.
Why are you missing your whole life’s potential by eating plain Fritos when the leagues-superior BBQ Fritos has been an option available to us mortals FOR SO MANY YEARS????
8. Humblebrag about how hard they work.
If you love your job, say you love your job. If you are working long hours and are proud of it, say you are working long hours and are proud of it. Just own your professional lifestyle, don’t feel the need to pepper your happiness with false humility so everyone doesn’t feel pathetic for not being at an office until 11 PM on a regular basis. Trust, very few people are actually jealous of your cocaine-in-the-bathroom-of-Harry’s lifestyle. Just talk about how pumped you are to be working.
9. Prefer KFC over Popeye’s.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, POPEYE’S IS SO CLEARLY THE BETTER PRODUCT HOW IS THIS EVEN A COMPETITION.
10. Make their baby a Facebook page.
Why would you do this to your poor, days-old baby? Babies don’t even start looking human until they’re like six weeks old, why would you smatter its deformed little blue-white head all over social media before it even knows its hands are attached to its body? Why do you hate your baby that much?
11. Be cheap when it comes to others.
Why is your life an endless fountain of money when it comes to buying a new pair of cat-themed leggings at American Apparel or upgrading to first class when you take the train to visit your parents, and yet when it comes time to tip the hard-working waiter who treated you like a Greek demigod, you are allergic to anything above 15 percent? If you can’t afford to be generous, you can’t afford anything. Nothing is more ugh-inducing than being the person who magically becomes broke the second they have to spend money on something that isn’t their immediate and unequivocal satisfaction. Be a good tipper, it makes you a good person.