1. You generally measure the passing of seasons by the specialty drinks that Starbucks is currently serving, and you are greatly looking forward to
autumn Pumpkin Spice Latte Season.
2. You know that there is a perfect amount of ice to be included in any given iced drink, and when someone either cheats you out with two pitiful, melty cubes or so much ice that you have all of three sips of beverage, you want to start flipping tables.
3. When you go to take your Splenda packets, you always take a few extra, because you never know… and now you have an egregious stash of Splenda somewhere in your house.
4. Whenever there is a new person behind the counter, you take an extra second or two to explain your order to them, because you don’t want to have to be that person who goes up and is like “I’m gonna need this remade” while cringing when the line is 10 people deep.
5. You have seen your name misspelled in the most unreasonable ways, and are starting to wonder if you have some sort of speech impediment you weren’t aware of, which makes your name sound like it has four extra letters in it.
6. You know that the definition of “extra hot” can vary by about 7,000 degrees Fahrenheit.
7. The variety of unacceptable behavior you have seen by fellow Starbucks patrons when they think no one is looking is enough to fill an entire novel. (Real-life testimony: This girl across from me yesterday was brushing her hair and sprinkling the loose strands on the floor around her in the middle of the lounge.)
8. You have enough reverence/respect for Starbucks as an institution that you don’t ever use it as a makeshift bedroom/vanity mirror/dining room like so many plebes insist on doing.
9. Whenever you are in a new place, the local Starbucks is always the touchstone of familiarity and comfort around which your trip can revolve.
10. Even though some people are going to judge you for seeking out the Starbucks when in new and exciting places with so many culinarily options to offer, you just could not be bothered to care even a little bit.
11. You know that exact feeling of “I want my Bux, and nothing else will do,” which leads you to crab-walk with a quickness over to the nearest watering hole.
12. You wake up with that feeling more days than you would like to admit.
13. You know that there is no more profound a feeling of betrayal than purchasing your items, finding the perfect spot at a table, and opening up your laptop — only to find that the WiFi isn’t working right now.
14. When you see too many people on their laptops around you at once, you’re immediately overwhelmed with this strange feeling of ownership, like, “Stop using my precious internet for your petty endeavors. You are sucking up all the bandwidth I need for my cat videos and Facebook chat.”
15. You hear someone from across the office announcing that they’re going to Starbucks, in case anyone wants anything, and you materialize in front of them out of nowhere to be like, “Hell yeah I want something do you have a pen?!??!?!”
16. You secretly don’t really trust anyone to properly convey your order.
17. One of your most beloved possessions is your oversized Starbucks mug that you use to drink all of your homemade hot drinks, and which you occasionally bring to have your drink made in.
18. People call Frappuccinos imitation milkshakes, but honestly milkshakes are just lackluster Frappuccinos.
19. When they ask you if you want whipped cream on your drink, you’re just like
20. Sometimes you have that little debate with yourself about, “Isn’t it kind of unhealthy to get the Caramel Macchiato and the cinnamon roll?” but then you remember that Starbucks calories don’t actually count.
21. Nothing stresses you out quite like them being out of something you’ve been dreaming about all day.
22. In such a case, you have been known to go several blocks away to another Starbucks, rather than take a substitute.
23. When you see someone in the street who has one of those precious white cups and you don’t, and you suddenly remember that you haven’t had any coffee today, you know that you’re going to be making a stop on your way home. Now you have heard the Divine Call and you are not about to deny that perfect mermaid your patronage. Not today.