22 Things Women Think At The Bar
1. “Can I still sit at the bar with the big kids if all I want is mozzarella sticks?”
2. “I hope they have some of that suburban soccer mom white wine, that shit gets you so wasted.”
3. “Oh my god, why do we not come here more? That bartender is way too hot to be working here. He should be in one of those fusion restaurant bars where they have hanging paper lamps and Rothko prints on the walls.”
4. “Notice me, hot bartender, for I will love you more than any of these other swamp creatures trying to get you to do shots with them.”
5. “How does anyone actually meet their romantic life partner at the bar? The only guys who ever actually approach you here smell like canned ravioli and start their opening lines by touching you right above your ass.”
6. “Don’t say, ‘Can I buy you a drink?’ when what you mean is ‘Can I have an excuse to repeatedly breathe my hot-ass breath on the side of your face while you try to pretend I’m not talking to you?’ Just cut to the chase.”
7. “Ugh, on the one hand, I don’t want your drink because I know that you will now believe I owe you something. But free is my favorite word, and these cocktails are fifty shades of overpriced.”
8. “If you’re buying me a drink, it had better be at least a call liquor. No one has ever gotten laid from rail vodka.”
9. “When are they going to put on something I can dance to?”
10. [Hears the opening notes of ‘Poison’ by Bell Biv Devoe] “OH MY GOD OH MY GOD GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY YOU AWFUL PLEBES”
11. “Wait, am I supposed to dance right now? There is no one on the floor, and I am not nearly drunk enough to be that girl standing alone in the middle of the dance floor waving back and forth with her drink raised up while her strapless dress starts slipping down to near-nip level.”
12. “Who am I kidding? Of course I am that girl.”
13. “Is there some sort of requirement for every bar to have at least five gross bros in polo shirts and flip flops who have to do really loud shots and enter into what appears to be a ‘Who Can Most Offensively Come Off Like Tucker Max’ competition?”
14. “Oh God, [Drunk Friend] is getting way too drunk again. It is someone else’s turn to take her to the bathroom and help her not pee on the floor. I have done my tour.”
15. “Why did I even bother dressing up to come here when that hot new dude from Superman is clearly not going to come in here and ask if I want to dance to ‘Party In The USA?’ What a waste of a good bandage dress.”
16. “Could someone please inform me the next time my makeup is melting off my face like a sad clown painting because these bathroom lights may have been the worst way to find out.”
17. “Oh, right, bar hair: When the front of your bangs/baby hairs are all greasy and disgusting, and the rest of your length is all ratty and dry from grinding against something. Right.”
18. “Must get good low-grinding angle without toppling over. Must get good low-grinding angle without toppling over. Must get good low-grinding angle without toppling over.”
19. “My feet feel like they are being crushed in some kind of vice. Must drink more so as to render them numb.”
20. “JK, I’m just going to get drunk enough that I don’t care about carrying them in my hands whilst I walk barefoot down the world’s grossest city street. Much more convenient.”
21. “This place better have a fuckin all-night snack menu or I’m gonna complain loudly until someone carries me over their shoulder to a Wendy’s.”
22. “My face will look fine tomorrow if I don’t take this makeup off right now. I’m too tired, let me just grind my mascara into my eyeballs against my pillow and drool my lip stain onto the side of my cheek. This can only yield good results.”