1. Nothing compromises your sexuality except your sexuality.
I think that boys have gone for long enough with calling each other vicious names for showing the slightest display of femininity. There is nothing that stops a man from being at once attentive to his style or mannerisms and heterosexual, and there is nothing wrong with falling anywhere at all on the Gender Expression Spectrum. Sexuality is something that should be embraced the way it comes naturally to you, and not forced into these incredibly prescriptive boxes of domestic beer and grunting at football games. Perhaps this can involve some kind of class field trip, as anyone who has been to France or Italy can attest to the fact that just because a man likes his hair just so and his pocket square askew does not mean he can’t plow through some snatch with the best of them. (I’m so sorry to any Mediterranean mothers reading this right now, your sons don’t plow through snatch. They gently prance through lady flowers.)
2. Women do not exist for your entertainment.
There needs to be a specific course dedicated to Why Men Should Stop Telling Women What To Do In The Street, starting in puberty. There is no need for you to instruct her to show a little more cleavage, or give you a big smile, or ride on your dick, because she is a human being with things to do and places to go and it’s important that she not be made late to her appointment by running into a quicksand made of clumsy come-ons and the verbal equivalent of used condoms. At some point in their more tender childhood years, boys are taught that girls exist to “impress” them, and that they love a good “compliment.” This must stop, because the idea of “compliment” somehow went from “actual positive thing about you as a person” to “mildly offensive thing about you as a receptacle.” And that cannot continue.
3. Domestic tasks are for everyone!
As much as we all love a good “get back in the kitchen” joke (Ha! Ha! Make me a sandwich, slore! Brilliant!), everyone should be in the kitchen. Because no one knows how to cook anymore, and that is clearly destroying society from the inside out. Cooking, cleaning, basic sewing — these are tasks for everyone, not just the strangely anachronistic image of the Betty Draper figure who is constantly oscillating between basting a roast and giving a handjob. Guys who can cook are awesome! It is a very important skill. And it’s also something that keeps you healthier, keeps the cost of dinner dates down, and gives you a new hobby to work on in your spare time. Being able to clean is also pretty great! Being the kind of human who gets up to dust things occasionally without having to be pried from the couch with a novelty-oversized spatula is something we could all use more of.
4. There is nothing wrong with being “weak.”
If there is one thing that guys need to be taught that it is okay to do, it is crying. I have seen grown men who are clearly being bowled over by the universe with some devastating news and refuse to let a single tear roll out of that socket until they have been so crystallized by the pressure as to turn into little salt rocks that fall from their face like a hailstorm of deformed masculinity. Boys being afraid of showing weakness and tenderness is perhaps one of our greatest failings when it comes to raising well-rounded people, because it so greatly damages both them and everyone they learn to love in life. Boys can be weak, because human beings are weak. And there is nothing wrong with feeling the emotion of something that needs to be felt. It is, in fact, one of the most important aspects of life itself. Cry, boys! You will one day die and so will everyone you love!
5. Consent is a real thing, and it’s important.
In the horrible, horrible Pokémon quest to catch ’em all when it comes to sexual encounters as a young man (a point I shall address in a moment), the idea of making sure the person you are getting frisky with is just as into it as you are has often fallen by the wayside. We should be making a fine point of things like “Checking to make sure if your partner has not done so many whippets as to no longer be conscious,” “Asking about protection,” “Letting her guide the first time so that she can decide what she is ready to do,” and “Not pretending to suddenly not speak English when she utters some variation of ‘No.'” Because somehow these key, key ingredients to the healthy sexual experience are going out the window in our encounters.
6. You are not determined by the women you conquer.
And on this note, let’s address the unfortunate socialization which encourages young men to judge each other’s worth and virility by the number and stature of their sexual conquests. There is nothing wrong with a male virgin, or a man with limited sexual experience, and if we can’t see how dangerous it is to be putting pressure on young boys to get laid as soon and as publicly as possible, we need to get our eyes checked because our glasses must be covered in a thick layer of spermicidal lube.