19 Signs You Need A Vacation
By Thoughtis
1. Every time your boss comes near you, you can feel every hair on the back of your neck stand up as you brace yourself for all of the extra work you’re going to have to do simply because you happened to be in the office at the wrong time.
2. Any glimmer of sun is enough of a reason to call all your friends and be like, “Where are you? Let’s find alcohol somewhere with deck chairs. I will buy you alcohol.”
3. You can feel every morning getting progressively difficult, and now you are trying to minimize your morning routine so much that you have all your clothes laid out like you did when you were in fifth grade.
4. One of your biggest joys of late comes from lunch time — because not only do you not have to work during this time, but, food! — and you have gotten to the point where calories no longer count because you are going to enjoy this moment, dammit, and health is not going to stop your chicken fries.
5. You have temporarily removed all friends from your news feed who are currently on vacation, because looking at all the pictures of the fun they’re having is simply too brutal to engage in in your spare time. You are legitimately afraid that you’re going to get drunk and be like, “OH, HAWAII, REAL ORIGINAL. WHY DON’T YOU JUST DRINK FROM A COCONUT AND SAP MY WILL TO LIVE EVEN MORE THAN YOU ALREADY DO.”
6. All of your dreams more or less involve sitting on some kind of a beach and not moving for extended periods of time. And these dreams are the opposite of boring.
7. You have found a sudden, inexplicable tolerance (dare I say enjoyment?) of Jimmy Buffet music.
8. You use your weekends to try as best as possible to recreate the setting and ambiance of an actual vacation. You bring everyone to the park with some sunglasses and wine and sandwiches, but you can’t even really get into it because you know you have to go to work the next day and therefore you are constantly on the verge of going from “happy buzzed” to “crying drunk.”
9. On more than one occasion, you have turned to a coworker (who you actually like when you are not starved for vacation time!), and felt your whole face transform à la The Other Mother in Coraline as you hiss “WHAT IS IT?” (They wanted to know if you were going out for lunch.)
10. Sometimes you just stare out the window and get really fucking mad at birds because they can fly wherever they want.
11. You secretly hope for rainy days from time to time because it makes spending the whole day working far less of a torment to the soul, and plus it makes you feel less guilty about the nights spent at home to save money for your upcoming vacation.
12. You recently looked at the calendar and realized that it had been literally eight whole months since the last time you went anywhere that wasn’t in a ten-mile radius, and you proceeded to throw said calendar into a wood chipper and then burn the confetti-like remains so as to leave no proof of your struggle for the rest of human existence.
13. Sometimes you daydream about places you didn’t even really like to go, simply because they were different and new and filled with people whose faces you weren’t incredibly sick of.
14. You actually feel really badly about how much you hate everyone and everything, because normally you’re a pretty easy-going person who takes on work, errands, and life in general with a tempered kind of optimism. But just the other day you walked by your own cat and it meowed at you wrong and your first instinct was to punt it out the window because, god damnit, it does not need to be all up in your face like this when you give it good food and lovingly scoop up its poops.
15. One of your friends from high school recently announced that he was embarking on a three-month backpacking trip around Europe and you immediately curled up into the fetal position and cursed the day that God invented backpacks.
16. Everyone knows that you are just going to be cheap from now until the moment you leave for vacation, because (with the exception of sweet, sweet outdoor alcohol which almost feels like a vacation) you have much bigger and better plans for your “fun” money on the horizon.
17. It is actually possible that you have legitimately exhausted every possible web site on the internet that has to do with your destination of choice. You have planned every last detail of your trip down to the millisecond, and even though you’re almost definitely going to break those plans when you get there, the thought of figuring out what you’re going to do is like taking a shot of heroin.
18. You have watched the Anthony Bourdain episode of your destination at least five times.
19. You are officially setting your status to “FUCK ALL OF YOU, I AM IN MEXICO” the second you board that plane.