1. Refuse to take “No” for an answer.
It’s just so impossible to accept, even if all the signs are clearly there. You really, really, uncomfortably like someone (the kind of “like” where you feel like you’re suddenly about to pee every time they walk into the room), and they don’t like you back. Your poor, damaged brain, instead of accepting the fate that it has clearly been handed, now must go through several months of mental gymnastics wherein you torture yourself by holding out hope that your love interest is magically going to change their mind for no reason. Your crush can sense your increasingly-frenetic desperation, and now has gone from the “They’re a cool friend, but I’m just not really interested in being romantically involved” stage to the “I cannot be alone in the same room with them, they’re going to harvest a lock of my body hair for witchcraft” stage. You never want to make anyone uncomfortable at the mention of your name, and yet love will make you do just that against your will.
2. Completely change your persona to be like your crush.
Everyone loves a good makeover, and there’s no reason that budding love can’t lead you to discover new, exciting parts of yourself which previously lay dormant. That said, there is a huge difference between learning the joys of long hikes with a real outdoorsy guy you just started dating and becoming an overnight connoisseur of all things Corsican just because your crush happened to live there for a few years of their young life. We’ve all been so obsessed with someone that we imagined the best way to their heart was through all of the things they love which we previously held no interest in, but there is nothing sexy about taking four Rosetta Stone CDs to the dome in a 12-hour span just so you can impress them with a little broken conversation. Just be yourself.
3. Fail to cover up the extent of your stalking.
The first part of being an addict is learning to cover up those tracks. If you don’t know your way around a good bottle of foundation for those marks on your inner arm — or, in your case, pretending not to know things about someone you’ve spent literally the last four days researching tirelessly and talking about ad nauseam with everyone who looks at you too long — you deserve all the wrath which befalls you.
4. Agree to be in a really unhealthy relationship.
Yes, in a perfect world, the two of you would be revealing your love at some kind of cornball debutant gala and telling everyone how happy you are at the top of your lungs. Unfortunately, your love interest is currently dating someone who they are not in all too much of a hurry to break up with, and have offered you the illustrious “side piece that I call when I’m horny and hide from my friends like pre-Esmeralda Quasimodo” position in their life. And because you are pressed, and have been waiting for so long to get with them under any circumstances, you’re going to take whatever emotional table scraps they’re ready to give.
5. Hate people who have done nothing to you.
I literally lost an entire year of my promising young life hating this chick with what is commonly referred to as “the kind of hatred which physically transforms your whole body into a less-attractive version of Gollum.” What did she do to incite my near-Biblical ire? Oh, nothing really, just dated the dude I was convinced I was in love with. I put more effort into hating her than I did into my schoolwork, or my friendships, or my personal maintenance. I was overcome. And now, looking back, I can barely recall her name or anything about her that would be worthy of even a passing dislike. And he is busy posting selfies of himself in V-neck t-shirts and liking his own political statuses. So we can all see that this was just an unfortunate mistake, yet it is one we are all doomed to make at least once. Make it brief, if possible.